It’s a funny thing to try and get used to a new normal when
things feel like the old normal. I know that things are going to change, at
some point, and that point could really come at any time…but right now we feel
so normal together. Things feel like they used to when they were good, and
things were fine. Only this time there will be a day with boxes, and packing,
and eventually a U-Haul. Following that day there will be space, and emptiness
and a whole lot of house that hasn’t been empty- ever. There will be tears and
probably some hyperventilating and some moderate drinking of cheap wine. And when
that is all over, there will be silence….a whole lot of silence. The kind that
only comes from the whole house being asleep and all of the tv’s and computers
turned off... a kind of silence I don’t remember experiencing in over 10 years.
The loudest silence of them all.
So, these days where we can talk and laugh and work together
are all the more important. The unexpected visits to bring me coffee and the
co-parenting that is almost effortless are even more appreciated. The fact that we can still care about each
other, and do it in front of other people who know our situation makes me feel
like we’re doing it right. We can set a good example, a loving example for
people so that they don’t get this idea that every single breakup is nasty and
tinted with anger or hate. There is clearly another option. When you love
someone, there is always another option. Regardless of how you love that
person, the love will come through and find a way to tame the situation,
because it’s the person that is important to you, not being right, or being
loudest/best/most important etc.
Our situation really only exist because we love each other.
Just in different ways. One of us is in love and one of us isn’t. That doesn’t diminish
the kind of love the other has in any way though. The way I love him is just as
real and important as the way he loves me, and we are where we are today because
of that. I asked him to let me go so he could be loved the way he deserves, and
he agreed to let me go- ironically, because he loves me the way I should be
loved. It’s kind of a bitch, I know.
I’m still not 100% convinced that it’s not all in my head. I
feel like I’m missing this connection, this intimacy, this attraction that I feel
I should have, even after 10 years. I don’t know where it went, and I honestly don’t
really know what it feels like, just that they aren’t there. It’s damn near
impossible to describe when people ask me what the hell I’m talking about. Something
is just missing.
I feel like the only way that I am going to know what that
something is, is to be at home in my skin, in my home and in my relationships.
I don’t want to feel like I need to rely on someone to do something for me, I want
to be able to do what I need done on my own. I used to be completely self-sufficient
and I was proud of that. I miss that version of myself. Granted, I know there
are things I need to ask for help with, but I want to get back to that person
that had her own tool set, and hung up her own damn pictures and worked on her
own car.
The only way I will know what is gone, is to see not what I need
so much, but rather what I want. Being with someone out of a need versus being
with someone out of wanting changes the dynamic greatly. When I don’t need
anything from anyone, I lose that comfort that comes from being taken care of.
When I am with someone because I want
to be there, well, then that opens up an entirely different part of my
heart. I don’t want to be with someone
out of fear, or dependence, or because I’m “used” to them. I want to be with
someone that makes my heart lighter, and my laughter genuine, and someone that
makes my pulse race a little bit when we’re alone. To me, that is what love
looks like. When I can be a competent and independent person on my own, I feel
like I will have a better idea of what it is that’s missing, because that something will be what makes me smile
when I am already perfectly content in my skin, my life, my home. I imagine
that I will be drawn to it, that I will gravitate towards it when soul finds
that thing that it needs. I have faith that somehow I will know it when I am “home”
and all of my stars have aligned the way they should. It’ll be interesting to
see what that looks like…I look forward to it.
