"I can't do us anymore. I just can't deal with James and his mom anymore"
Some part of me knew things were going to be different when you came home from being on the road that week. The same way I could always physically feel a shift in us, when you weren't around and before you even said anything.
I knew those words, or some variation of them were coming, and I desperately hoped I would be wrong. But in my heart, I knew the moment your name came up on my phone, that things weren't going to be the same after that. I knew in my soul somehow, that they had won, and we had lost, and that the only man I had found in a long time that made me feel valid, and loved, just couldn't do it anymore. And I went through probably a dozen things in an instant, even though it felt like all of these things became known to me at the same time- I knew that I had finally known what real love felt like. I knew that I had been able to find who I was with you, because I was safe with you. I knew that you loved me to the best of your ability while we had each other, and I knew that I was jealous of you in a way, because you got to decide to walk away from them and I couldn't. I knew I'd love you and miss you the rest of my life, because to me- you were my Saturday. I knew that being your wife one day was all I wanted, and if I got to have you, then I'd have all I needed in a partner. My life- our life- could have been something really beautiful.
I knew that loving you was the easiest thing I had done with my life, besides loving my children, and that I have never laughed more or more genuinely, than I did with you. I knew that my life was going to be a lot more lonely after you because I couldn't imagine another man out there that would see me the way you did- the way you simply just knew how to love me in the little ways I needed to be loved. the way we would literally finish each other's sentences, and not in common words or phrases but something random and off kilter and we would both say it at the same time. I know that still, when I hear someone count 3-2-1 I smirk, because I don't have to flinch as you smack my butt anymore. But I would love it if I did.
I miss bringing you coffee in the mornings, as you mumbled into the pillow. How we would sit there and drink our coffee together in bed, while we figured out the day and what we did or did not want to do, and what projects could we start in the yard? Is there a YouTube video for it? Does Home Depot have what we would need? Fuck it, lets just go look around. I still smile a little bit when I see the leaf blowers, or the edgers on sale or I watch husbands try to talk their wives into a new chainsaw, and i get a little sad. You never really had to talk me into it, I just liked to see you happy and if it took a chainsaw to do that, then so be it. Bringing home a power tool for you was like bringing home a new baby for someone else.
I miss going golfing with you and your guys and watching you do something you loved so much. I miss the way you took the game seriously, but not yourself. The way you were never afraid of PDA in front of your friends and I never felt unwelcome amongst you guys. The way they said my "snack game is on point". You always made me a part of your plans, even when those plans were stupid fucking early T times and it was soggy outside. I never felt unwanted with you.
I wish that I could know you now. The man that is healed and happy and hopefully not hating his job. I feel jilted sometimes that I had you when you were in pain all the time, at jobs that you hated, and were generally unhappy. It makes me wonder what you're like now, how good we could have been together if you hadn't been going through two back surgeries.. I can only imagine the wrestling you could do with Gus if you were around and healed up. He would finally have a fair fight. You two would be inseparable even more so than you were before.
I feel like I could say "I Miss you" a million times, but it doesn't capture all the ways and all the reasons I miss you. It's not something I can articulate, because there are no words for when you feel like half of your soul is out there walking the earth without you. You said once, that I am the only person that you have ever been able to be yourself around. In a selfish way I hope that's still true. But what kind of person would love you and want you to be hiding the best parts of yourself with someone new? Because I loved every goofy, childish, weird, loud thing that you did. And I wouldn't want you to change those parts of you for someone else. If they can't handle "Raul", then they need to keep walking ;)
I get this stupid hope that you will show up at the house one day, and I can see you, hear you and hug you again. You will say that you miss me, and have missed me like I've missed you, and it wont be perfect or easy, and we don't know how to work it out, but fuck it, lets give it one more try. I know that isn't really going to happen. But I like to think that you will be thinking about me one day and pop up somehow...unlikely i know, but i think i am going to love you forever, so of course i want to see you again. We loved each other when we ended. I just wish I knew if we loved each other now.
