I've missed you.

 The way your tongue traces my lips when we kiss...I crave you.

I breathe in your scent and i don't know which is more enticing- your hands on my body, or the fact that I'm back here at all...I thought we were done doing this...but I still crave you none the less.

I stand in front of you with your hands running down my back, to my ass and down my thighs. I lean in and kiss you one more time. You say you've missed me...I confess that I've missed you too.  

You lay your head back and I kiss you again, as i feel your cock on my thigh. I can feel you getting bigger, harder, and I'm getting more excited just thinking about how good you're going to feel. I slide myself down your body until i can taste you on my tongue. 

I take you in my hand and you gasp a little gasp that sounds like you haven't been touched in too long. 

I'm running my hand over your throbbing manhood as I kiss you once again, but soft and tenderly this time, because we're not rushing anything tonight. We're together again, and we're drinking it in while we can. 

I take you into my mouth and I feel myself getting wetter as I run my tongue up and down and around the tip. I feel myself starting to ache and throb for you, but I want to take in every inch and minute of having you in my mouth. GOD you feel so good. 

I take my time with you until you sound like you're about to explode, and then I go back for another kiss, and you tell me to take off my pants. 

You climb on top and i feel you slide in. Fuck me, i want all of youuuu. You're so fucking big. your turn to have your way with me... I watch you, and feel you and try to take it all in incase this is just a dream. Everything with you feels good and tonight is no different. 

You fuck me deep and hard, and I feel so close to coming, but I want to hold off so we can come together. You tell me to move to the end of the bed, and at this point I'll do whatever you want me to. 

You bend me over, running your hands over my hips and my back and grabbing me to have your way with me. We try something new and you feel sooooo goood I think I might explode. I cant get enough of you and I want to make this last as long as possible...Just to feel wanted by you again, for just a little while...

When we're done, I don't know why you let me come over, but I'm not complaining. If I had it my way, we'd do this every chance we got. We always did fit together, like the universe knew we'd be good for each other in at least one way. You cant deny the intimacy. Fuck, I'm not about to deny you anything. Fuck baby, all you'd have to do is ask and I'll do whatever you want. I know I'm safe with you and that gets you free reign over my body. My body that craves you, and your hands touching my curves, your lips touching mine and our bodies reacting to each other. 

I can almost feel you again just thinking about it.....

To be loved like that....

 I dream of a love that feels like home. With a partner that I don't have to explain myself to. 

I dream of being loved as effortlessly as the ocean meets the sand. 

I want to be wanted by someone in the same way a fire needs oxygen to burn.

I want to be desired by a man that cant wait to run his hands down my body, or his tongue across my lips as he grabs my hips and makes me pant in anticipation.  

A man that makes me crave him when we aren't together, and ache for his body on mine when we're next to each other. 

I want a man that wants to protect me as fiercely as he wants to fuck me. A man that lets the only cries that pass my lips be those of 'Oh Goddddd' or 'Fuck me' instead of another part of my heart fracturing and falling apart. 

I want to be held in the same way that the horizon holds the sunset- delicately but devoted, held together by forces of nature that need each other to exist. 

I want to be babied on the days that are too hard to handle. I want arms I can crawl into when I want to escape a world that hurts my heart. I want forehead kisses and hands in my hair. 

I want kisses on my neck and hands on my ass, and a passion that is unapologetic in its existence. A man that can't keep his hands off of me or the curves or my breast or the hips that he grabs when he has me bent over. 

I want your tongue between my thighs and then your hand in mine when we go out. 

I want to be craved like the fucking goddess I am and protected like the little girl I never got to be.

But, at the end of the day id settle for someone just willing to stick around, because it beats being alone...because who would love someone as fractured as me?

What a confusing thing it is to be so uninhibited and so insecure at the same time...

An Ode to Brandon

 Part of me loved you the moment we met. Something about you felt so familiar I had to be next to you. I remember giving you my phone number and feeling so afraid that you were going to make fun of me for it, but you used it that next day to try and get me a job with you at a warehouse so that we'd still get to work together. 

I got to love you more and more over our 12 years and we got to do everything that lovers do without ever actually being lovers. 

We laughed with each other -we -laughed so hard we cried...sometimes we just cried. We talked for hours about our hopes, we talked about our dreams and we talked about all the ways we wanted to be loved, and the ways we wanted to love somebody back, and we let each other in. We were vulnerable with each other. We were intimate in a way that never took off our clothes , but we were completely exposed to each other. For two people who never felt safe anywhere, we knew we were safe with each other. 

I loved you for all the ways you made me feel safe, for all the ways you made me feel deserving, and all the ways I knew your love was unconditional and I didn't have to earn it or work for it. For all the ways you showed me what true love was really like.... what being loved by a man should be like.

I loved you the moment I met you and I loved you every moment of those 12 years. If loving you could bring you back, I'd have you back by now. But the irony is that loving you this much is why I lost you in the first place. 

I was lucky you were mine...

"Today I looked up how long it would take to drown..." (Forest Blakk, 2018) For the first time in my life, 5 days ago, I pondered the same thing, in a way. I pondered how much it would hurt before I felt nothing. How much would I regret it before it didn't matter any longer? Who would find me and how would I look when they did? Would I be able to do what had to be done, in order to get to the point that I wanted, where nothing hurt anymore and I wasn't letting anyone down and I wasn't responsible for anything anymore... How long would It take to drink the tea that would give me about 30 more minutes before agony set in and I finally died a really horrendous death? Just so that I didn't feel the pain I have felt every day, for 105 days of my life without you in it. And also- how poetic it could have been, to take the poison from you so that you didn't use it, and then I would have used it to see you again...I just want to see you again. I am not okay without you. 

 "Today I looked up how long it would take to drown..." it's such a simple phrase, and sort of beautiful, really. Such an elegant way to say you wanted to die today... 

5 days ago I decided I wanted to drown. But not in the way I have been drowning for 105 days, where each breath comes with memories and the sobs that come in waves, from the pit of my stomach. I wanted to cease to exist. I was tired of feeling, grieving, losing. I am still tired of feeling, grieving, losing. But I don't wish that feeling upon anyone, and certainly not my kids, or Jessica. I can stay here a little while longer, if it means that they won't know what this feeling feels like. This absolute and utter suffocation that comes in tidal waves when I think of you. And guess what- I think of you  all the time-first thing in the mornings, and I talk to you as I fall asleep at night. And you're there for every moment in between. I'm suffocating myself in an emotional suicide, slowly killing myself trying to remember you..."death is a strange and hallow inconvenience when you think about it" (Forest Blakk, 2018). 

To say that you were just a "friend" is a huge insult to the love that we had for one another. And boy did we love each other. You were my soulmate. You saw me for who I was, each and every time you saw me, and you loved me regardless. You saw me in dirty stinky clothes, and then all dolled up for a date. You told me that my "mom body and curves are where it's at, and you are just fine" in my body that I was so self conscious of. More than once you saw me red eyed and soggy from literally sobbing my eyes out over a man that I thought loved me. Now I know that the love he had may have been the best he could do, but it's not what I needed. Because he didn't love me the way you did. The way I deserved to be held and loved and seen. The way it's so easy and worth it when it's unconditional and genuine. As easy as breathing, back when breathing wasn't so painful. 

You were my person. The one soul that I could be anything around and you never ran away. You never left or got scared off and you never found a reason to stay away from me. You met me where I was literally every. single. time. for 12 years. You're woven into my soul in a way that I never noticed, until that fiber of your presence was all that I had left. 

You were my one true love. The only man that ever loved me as I was and never held that love back because of some flaws in my human condition. You never gave me any reason to wonder if I was good enough, or if I deserved it that day. You simply showed up and you loved me in the truest, most simple way. The next man that I let love me has to fill those shoes, has to make me feel the way you did, because if he doesn't, it's not enough for me. I told you once that you were my standard. You never understood that, but I did. And what a beautiful gift that is, to have such a high standard of love in my life, thanks to you. 

I will never forget you, and I will never be the same woman again, that I was on November 22nd when I left your house that night. The night that turned out to be the last time I would see your beautiful face, your smile, hold your hand or hear your voice. That woman that sat with you on that couch that night, she died with you when you finally found the blissful peace that you had been so yearning for. She ceased to exist the second your heart stopped beating. The woman that sits here and writes this is not sure who she is and she is not sure what to do with herself . She wants to scream and throw things, and pick fights so that she can yell at someone for something. Because when she's not crying, she's angry. 

She wants to love you back to life, but not the life you left behind. She wants to love you back to a life that is kind to you and supports you and loves you back the way you deserved, because you were the best goddamn man, the kindest soul, and my absolute favorite human being. I want to love you back to life because I don't know how to do this without you. I don't even know what life with you means. "I guess I always thought that we had time to get older" (Forest Blakk, 2024).. we were supposed to grow old together, and have our house with the big wrap-around porch, and our mini farm. We were going to watch the sunsets on the porch with our cheap beers, and live out our days together. It was going to be you and me...

Right now this heart hurts and yet it's numb, at the same time. I don't even know how that's possible, but apparently it fucking is. It feels nothing- no joy, no love, no desire, no laughter...no future with you in it. Which is a bitch because what I want is to smile and really mean it, and I want to laugh and play and have relationships that I can feel. Right now the only thing I feel is that this is a body that I am living in, and it feels foreign. It feels heavy and heartbroken and empty. It doesn't eat most days because it just doesn't care, and these hands want to text you a million different times because the heart in this body doesn't remember that you're gone - until it does. And it's in those moments, that I have to remember, that I loved you and you loved me, and you are finally out of pain. I will carry you in this heart, so that its not so empty, and I will forever know that "I was lucky you were mine". (Forest Blakk, 2024)

Forest Blakk. (2018, September 14). Forest Blakk - Breathe [Official Spoken Word Video] [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3Xgx2ihf7Y

Forest Blakk. (2024, April 12). Forest Blakk - You Were Mine (Official music Video) [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NTAOiJxJJFI