I hope you know...

You would be 16 right now, sweet girl. I imagine you would have blond hair and blue eyes, just like me. You would have a smart mouth and a huge heart and we would have done a lot of growing up together, because you would have been my first. My first belly, my first flutters, kicks and bounces. My first sleepless nights and exhaustion induced meltdowns. My first 1^st birthday party and “terrible two’s” and scrambling home from work to see you after a long day. You would have been my first understanding of what it means to love something more than myself. I promise you, that I thought I did what was best for you, because I didn’t know then what I know now. If I ever thought that I could give you any kind of a life, I would have in a heartbeat. I would have gladly been up all night, and sleep walking at work. Smelling like leaking breast milk and sweet new baby smell. Going days without a shower just because I didn’t want to leave you alone for a minute. It would have been just you and me, baby girl, but I would have done my best…if only I knew what I had in me.

I’m sorry I didn’t know then that I could run on empty for weeks. I’m sorry I didn’t know then that I would feel such a huge hole each and every year that I’ve been here without you. I’m sorry that I didn’t understand what I would be capable of the second I saw you….I’m just so sorry. I was young, and I was alone and I didn’t have anyone to tell me I would be alright. So I didn’t know that we would have been okay, somehow, somewhere. All I knew was that I didn’t know how to be a mother and I didn’t want to see you in 7 months just to give you to someone else, because I didn’t know if I could do that. And if I couldn’t do that, I didn’t know what kind of life I would be able to give you on my own.

I hope you know, that I haven’t gone without you on my mind all the time, for the last 17 years. I hope you know that I wonder about you when I watch my boys playing…I wonder what kind of sweet things you and Noah would have done when he was little, and I just imagine you would have been a great momma to Marcus when he was born. I know you would have been an absolutely amazing big sister, had I only known then what I know now...

I hope you know that I love you. For the few days I knew you were there, I loved you so much. I know it sounds stupid, but I did what I did because I loved you. I just didn’t want you to have a childhood that you had to recover from, like I did. I hope you know I did my best.

Crimson River

The problem with trusting people, if you’re like me, is that you trust everybody. You trust the things they say, and the way they make you feel. You trust the lies that they tell you with a straight face, because they make you feel special. You trust the really really bad excuses because they must have a good reason. And then you wake up one day and you have to admit to yourself that yes, you saw that crimson river of red flags and you let it all go. Because when you ache to feel someone next to you, you risk the heart break just to feel the heartbeat. Just to feel the form of that warm body lying beside you.


The problem with trusting people, if you’re like me, is that you will let them come back time and time again. Because, in a way, they become your drug of choice. You can tell yourself that they aren’t welcome back each time they leave…until they ask to come back again. When you settle the nerves and swallow the little bit of pride you have left when it comes to them, you tell them your door is open, and you’ll be waiting for them. For a minute you feel beautiful because this is what they want.


The problem with trusting people, if you’re like me, is that you are 100% aware that what you are doing to feel some sort of love is nothing you would wish for your kids, or your friends. You wouldn’t wish this kind of desperate need for touch and interaction on them because you know what it feels like inside when you let yourself be torn down, used, and lied to. You know what it tastes like in the back of your throat when you have to choke down a sob before it comes out because you’re “not going to cry over him again”. But you know that’s a lie, and so you do cry...you just do it as quietly as possible.


The problem with trusting people, if you’re like me, is that you really, honestly, thought this person could love you. You believed his lies, that he wanted to raise your kids with you, and grow old with you. He knew just how to let you get your hopes up and feel like there was a future for you…but then you find out you were a way to pass the time, and you wait for that moment when your heart falls and breaks on the floor again...and you know it’s going to, because it happens every time.

The problem with trusting people, if you're like me, is that you like to see the good in them. Their smile, their laugh, the way they look when they talk about babies..the way they can look at you for just a second longer than they should and you feel your heart skip. You trust the way they look at you and say nothing, but smile. They way they say "You know I love you, right?" with that thick voice that you long to hear in your ear as you lay in bed next to them someday.

The problem with trusting people, if you're like me, is that you know in your heart there are very few that really love you. All the others are just pretty words in the right order, from a set of lips you could kiss all day long...if they'd have you.


The problem with trusting people, if you’re like me, is having to remember that trusting people is not a terrible thing to do…you just have to learn how to trust the right people. And that’s the hard part.

Don't do it....

How do you fight the devils in your head that tell you repeatedly that you just are not enough? The voices that say "he's playing with you", "your just a way to pass the time", " if he'd thought about you, he'd call/ you would know if he missed you...". How do you turn those things off, or even know if you can? Is it just your anxiety talking, or is it intuition? Do you know if these feelings are even real?

You do know what you don't want, and what you wont settle for. you know what you deserve, and how you would treat him. You know that it might be anxiety, but that you also would expect more from someone that says they care for you.

Are you too much for them? Too much attention, too available, too easy? Maybe if you were harder to get, messed with their head, or just went hot and then cold...maybe if you just became someone you are 100% not, they would come around?

Why are you putting up with things that make you question yourself and your worth? You've come to far for that shit.

Bittersweet

I have been wanting to get on here for some time, I just never know how to say what I have floating around in my head. I've learned a few things lately, though.

I've learned that you can spend 3+ years with a person and they will leave right from under you. What I thought would be heartbreaking, actually turned out to be exactly what I needed. Sad, yes. but I didn't lose my self when it was over, like I thought I might. Turns out i never gave as much away as I thought. Thank God. It seems that that time was spent as a distraction so that I wasn't looking for someone I couldn't have. Not until the time was right.

Funny how quickly things can change. One day I was alone and lonely, and trying those dating apps that just made shit so damn weird. Getting upset because I thought we hit it off, and then they never come around again. Or the only other people I can seem to find are nasty ass, crude, unsolicited dick pick kind of guys. Gross. Also, fucking grow-up.

I have also learned that sometimes the thing you need, might just be sitting on the other end of a message. A message that puts a smile on your face, because these have become the messages that you look forward to. Messages that ask you how your day is going, how the kids are, or just commiserating over work. Messages with goofy memes, and sweet ideas. Messages that call you "beautiful" and want to know when your weird blind dates are done, so they know you're safe.
I learned that having something, and someone to look forward to made the days so much easier. The stresses not so overwhelming, and the mornings a little sweeter when there was a 'Good morning, beautiful' text waiting for me. I have learned that something sweet can grow when you aren't expecting it and that in itself is wonderful. Its like a little secret garden that only we know about. A place that's just ours. When you find yourself getting close to someone you weren't expecting, it has this extra innocence. It feels more pure, somehow. Like getting to know each other all over again, because this time its different.

I have also learned that sometimes what makes me smile, is out there making someone else cry. I have learned that I am stronger than I expected and while I still wish I could fix things and take the other persons pain away, I know that I cant. I am slowly learning that it is OK for me to be happy, even when its hard for others. I am learning that joy and guilt can coexist in the same space, and there is nothing wrong with that. Its just what life feels like sometimes. Bitter/sweet.

Bitter/sweet is not easy, but I think that is what it looks like now, when the dynamic changes. How lucky am I to be cared for by two wonderful people at once? I just wish that it wasn't so hard for one of them. Because to know that they both matter to me, and I care for them both so much, makes it so hard on this weird little heart of mine when I have to, simultaneously, give one what its asking for while causing it so much pain. The old me would have done whatever she could to keep the pain away, but that would mean living this time, right now, in a secret. And no one deserves to be a secret.
So the truth comes out, and it hurts. But the truth is also so freeing, and so liberating. I was able to honor myself and the messages that make me smile. I was able to honor the person on the other end of those messages, and also, in a weird way, I was able to honor the person that I hurt. Because I wasn't hiding anything, and I wasn't intentionally keeping him comfortable while I started something in the shadows. So, as it often happens in my life, this too is bitter/sweet. But in the most sincere, loving, and transparent way. My hope is that one day he will see that it was, actually, done with the best of intentions. Because his heart matters too.

Ive never claimed to be a smart person.

When you feel that this one might be worth it, knowing full well that you should have left a long time ago...but your torn between enjoying it while it lasts, and ending it before you get hurt for the 100th time. Because you will get hurt again. Because that's what this looks like when it's lopsided. When you have to always read between lines, or try to decrypt what their saying (because just saying it is what? Emotional? Complimentary? Going to look like whatever this is matters to you too?) and you don't want to tell yourself you're too important because for all you know, at the end of the day you're not. But you think there are moments when you're sure you just might be. But that absence of  heavy or real conversation makes you doubt yourself in a millions little ways.... And you're not an idiot, you know nothing that looks the way this does is ever going to change, but that doesnt keep you from hoping that one day it will. One day you just might be enough for this person, after all the hundreds of times you've wondered why you aren't. If that day really comes around the next question you'll ask yourself is- after all this time now, are they good enough for me now? Because somehow, by now, you've loved them for a long time. With all of their flaws, and walls and their excuses. You never said you were smart....

Who woulda thought it..?

It’s funny to me how we are so certain that we are getting what we want in one moment, and not so sure about it the next…

It took a girl in a bar to change my relationship for the better. No more arguing, no more distance and none of this intentional hurtfulness…all because of one girl in the right bar on the right night (I guess). Thanks to her, my life with my kid’s dad has gotten so much easier. The divorce papers are nearly signed and ready to go, we are openly talking about other people - dating other people/ being involved with other people…and that’s great because it’s what’s going on with us now.

And while it is great, it also makes my heart a little sad. The friendship that I have with him now is what we should have been able to have the whole marriage, except that we had done too much damage to each other to find this friendship on our own. It took another woman to wake us both up. And what’s really wonderful (and honestly, a little annoying) is that I think her and I could be friends if we ever met each other. She’s getting this version of him that I don’t know if I ever had, and yet it’s making him and I better co - parents and friends. The sad part of all this is that if he and I could have found this kind of relationship years ago, we’d probably never consider leaving each other. How’s that for irony?  In a matter of hours it went from “I’m not moving on because I don’t want to” to “so…I met a girl…”

And while I am happy for him (honestly, I am) I suddenly feel more alone than I did before. I think part of it stems from jealousy because as a full time single mom, I don’t have any time to try and go meet anyone. I don’t find guys at the bar, and no one comes up to me in any fashion outside of the bar…

The other part of it is because I didn’t think that he’d move on so fast and after 11 years, the idea of him being with someone else just makes it hard to breathe. SO, back to what I started with- from one moment to the next life can turn you on your head and leave you there for a while. Now I find myself looking to make sense of everything all because this girl walked into our lives. And I thank her for that. I thank her for everything she has given to my boy’s dad in the short time they’ve known each other which has trickled down to him giving me what I always needed. I thank her for giving this sense of value and purpose and an emotional connection to the man that I have to raise my children with. I thank her for walking to the bar that night and I even thank him for being so stubborn with me just a few hours before meeting her, that he was mad enough at me to stay at that bar. I never thought that when I left him there that night our lives would change. I thought I would wake up the next day and still be fighting an uphill battle and living my next few months as the bad guy that just “didn’t try” or “gave up”. 

When he asked me if I could meet him for lunch 4 days later because he needed to talk to me, my heart started to race thinking that something big had happened. Maybe he lost his job, or maybe he was sick, or maybe he wanted to make the divorce harder just because he could…I never thought I’d be greeted with a hug - a tight, sincere hug that I had been missing for so long. That hug wasn’t trying to make me feel like shit for asking for a divorce, it wasn’t being offered because I asked for it, and most importantly – it wasn’t being given as a way to manipulate me or make me feel guilty. It was the best hug we’d shared in ages.  And then he said “I don’t want to not be friends with you” and I almost cried.

This woman that he barely knew gave him so much that I wasn’t able to for the longest time. By giving him what he needed, she gave me my friend back. Someone that should be my best friend, really. Someone that I want to spend my time with and talk to at the end of the day and I want to hear how his day was, and how she’s doing. It’s a whole new level of maturity that I didn’t know I didn’t have until this last week. But it’s such a gift and that gift is felt amongst the entire family.  I finally feel like we might be alright after all. And I hope she stays around, I really do. I’d like to meet her and take her for coffee and thank her for what she’s done for our family. I think she is what we’ve needed that we couldn’t put our finger on. Our missing link turned out to be a cute girl in a bar on a Friday night. So, again I ask- how’s that for irony?

"Im falling for your eyes, but they dont know me yet"

Someone called me out as a romantic the other day. I thought they were nuts at first, but I’m starting to think that they’re not so far off the mark.

I like the love songs, the chick flicks and the idea of having something to fight for. I like the songs where a guy is singing about how much he thinks about a girl when she’s not around. Or the songs that tell a story of two people that aren’t together but want to be….I guess I’m a sucker for the longing of another person. I think there is a lot that people can relate to in those songs, a lot that brings back those memories of when we were first in love with our person- when we would think about them all the time and then be excited to see them again. I’ve started to notice that those songs are what my lonely looks like. The stories in those lyrics are what I miss.

I miss companionship, and friendship in a partner. I miss intimacy that is more than sex. I want to hold someone’s hand and dance with them in the kitchen or on the patio under the stars. I want to be crazy in love with someone who makes me laugh, and knows that I’m a little ditzy sometimes. I want to go on adventures, and make memories and get one of those hugs that makes me feel like the world is not such a bad place, because in that moment I know that I’m safe and cared for. I want to be able to simply exist with my person when I don’t have the ability to do anything else.

I believe that loving someone should be easy, even when life isn’t. I believe that there should be less struggle and more compassion in a relationship. If we’re with someone that we love, it shouldn’t be the hardest thing we have going on in our lives. They should be our refuge, our safe place that can we can count on to shelter us from the ways of the world when we need it. Keith Urban has a song called “Break On Me” and it makes me cry nearly every time I hear it because I had someone willing to let me break on him, but I never felt like I could. That kind of intimacy wasn’t there…after all the shit we had been thru, I had that part of myself highly guarded because maybe I didn’t feel safe. Or maybe after all the other ways I had felt with him, I didn’t feel like he deserved to be there when I needed someone. I couldn’t let the person that broke me be the one to comfort me when someone else made me feel broken. Talk about mixed signals…

I want to know that I can leave my heart with someone and not worry about it being forgotten. I have felt lower than I knew was possible over the last few years, and all I know is that i don’t want that again.

I just want to love someone, which should be the easy part. <3

This emotional upchuck brought to you by:

Break on me- Keith Urban

Kiss Me- Ed Sheeran

The One- Gary Allan

Say Goodnight- Eli Young Band

Lonely Tonight- Blake Shelton

Die A Happy Man- Thomas Rhett

And God only knows how many others.