I've missed you.

 The way your tongue traces my lips when we kiss...I crave you.

I breathe in your scent and i don't know which is more enticing- your hands on my body, or the fact that I'm back here at all...I thought we were done doing this...but I still crave you none the less.

I stand in front of you with your hands running down my back, to my ass and down my thighs. I lean in and kiss you one more time. You say you've missed me...I confess that I've missed you too.  

You lay your head back and I kiss you again, as i feel your cock on my thigh. I can feel you getting bigger, harder, and I'm getting more excited just thinking about how good you're going to feel. I slide myself down your body until i can taste you on my tongue. 

I take you in my hand and you gasp a little gasp that sounds like you haven't been touched in too long. 

I'm running my hand over your throbbing manhood as I kiss you once again, but soft and tenderly this time, because we're not rushing anything tonight. We're together again, and we're drinking it in while we can. 

I take you into my mouth and I feel myself getting wetter as I run my tongue up and down and around the tip. I feel myself starting to ache and throb for you, but I want to take in every inch and minute of having you in my mouth. GOD you feel so good. 

I take my time with you until you sound like you're about to explode, and then I go back for another kiss, and you tell me to take off my pants. 

You climb on top and i feel you slide in. Fuck me, i want all of youuuu. You're so fucking big. your turn to have your way with me... I watch you, and feel you and try to take it all in incase this is just a dream. Everything with you feels good and tonight is no different. 

You fuck me deep and hard, and I feel so close to coming, but I want to hold off so we can come together. You tell me to move to the end of the bed, and at this point I'll do whatever you want me to. 

You bend me over, running your hands over my hips and my back and grabbing me to have your way with me. We try something new and you feel sooooo goood I think I might explode. I cant get enough of you and I want to make this last as long as possible...Just to feel wanted by you again, for just a little while...

When we're done, I don't know why you let me come over, but I'm not complaining. If I had it my way, we'd do this every chance we got. We always did fit together, like the universe knew we'd be good for each other in at least one way. You cant deny the intimacy. Fuck, I'm not about to deny you anything. Fuck baby, all you'd have to do is ask and I'll do whatever you want. I know I'm safe with you and that gets you free reign over my body. My body that craves you, and your hands touching my curves, your lips touching mine and our bodies reacting to each other. 

I can almost feel you again just thinking about it.....

To be loved like that....

 I dream of a love that feels like home. With a partner that I don't have to explain myself to. 

I dream of being loved as effortlessly as the ocean meets the sand. 

I want to be wanted by someone in the same way a fire needs oxygen to burn.

I want to be desired by a man that cant wait to run his hands down my body, or his tongue across my lips as he grabs my hips and makes me pant in anticipation.  

A man that makes me crave him when we aren't together, and ache for his body on mine when we're next to each other. 

I want a man that wants to protect me as fiercely as he wants to fuck me. A man that lets the only cries that pass my lips be those of 'Oh Goddddd' or 'Fuck me' instead of another part of my heart fracturing and falling apart. 

I want to be held in the same way that the horizon holds the sunset- delicately but devoted, held together by forces of nature that need each other to exist. 

I want to be babied on the days that are too hard to handle. I want arms I can crawl into when I want to escape a world that hurts my heart. I want forehead kisses and hands in my hair. 

I want kisses on my neck and hands on my ass, and a passion that is unapologetic in its existence. A man that can't keep his hands off of me or the curves or my breast or the hips that he grabs when he has me bent over. 

I want your tongue between my thighs and then your hand in mine when we go out. 

I want to be craved like the fucking goddess I am and protected like the little girl I never got to be.

But, at the end of the day id settle for someone just willing to stick around, because it beats being alone...because who would love someone as fractured as me?

What a confusing thing it is to be so uninhibited and so insecure at the same time...

An Ode to Brandon

 Part of me loved you the moment we met. Something about you felt so familiar I had to be next to you. I remember giving you my phone number and feeling so afraid that you were going to make fun of me for it, but you used it that next day to try and get me a job with you at a warehouse so that we'd still get to work together. 

I got to love you more and more over our 12 years and we got to do everything that lovers do without ever actually being lovers. 

We laughed with each other -we -laughed so hard we cried...sometimes we just cried. We talked for hours about our hopes, we talked about our dreams and we talked about all the ways we wanted to be loved, and the ways we wanted to love somebody back, and we let each other in. We were vulnerable with each other. We were intimate in a way that never took off our clothes , but we were completely exposed to each other. For two people who never felt safe anywhere, we knew we were safe with each other. 

I loved you for all the ways you made me feel safe, for all the ways you made me feel deserving, and all the ways I knew your love was unconditional and I didn't have to earn it or work for it. For all the ways you showed me what true love was really like.... what being loved by a man should be like.

I loved you the moment I met you and I loved you every moment of those 12 years. If loving you could bring you back, I'd have you back by now. But the irony is that loving you this much is why I lost you in the first place. 

I was lucky you were mine...

"Today I looked up how long it would take to drown..." (Forest Blakk, 2018) For the first time in my life, 5 days ago, I pondered the same thing, in a way. I pondered how much it would hurt before I felt nothing. How much would I regret it before it didn't matter any longer? Who would find me and how would I look when they did? Would I be able to do what had to be done, in order to get to the point that I wanted, where nothing hurt anymore and I wasn't letting anyone down and I wasn't responsible for anything anymore... How long would It take to drink the tea that would give me about 30 more minutes before agony set in and I finally died a really horrendous death? Just so that I didn't feel the pain I have felt every day, for 105 days of my life without you in it. And also- how poetic it could have been, to take the poison from you so that you didn't use it, and then I would have used it to see you again...I just want to see you again. I am not okay without you. 

 "Today I looked up how long it would take to drown..." it's such a simple phrase, and sort of beautiful, really. Such an elegant way to say you wanted to die today... 

5 days ago I decided I wanted to drown. But not in the way I have been drowning for 105 days, where each breath comes with memories and the sobs that come in waves, from the pit of my stomach. I wanted to cease to exist. I was tired of feeling, grieving, losing. I am still tired of feeling, grieving, losing. But I don't wish that feeling upon anyone, and certainly not my kids, or Jessica. I can stay here a little while longer, if it means that they won't know what this feeling feels like. This absolute and utter suffocation that comes in tidal waves when I think of you. And guess what- I think of you  all the time-first thing in the mornings, and I talk to you as I fall asleep at night. And you're there for every moment in between. I'm suffocating myself in an emotional suicide, slowly killing myself trying to remember you..."death is a strange and hallow inconvenience when you think about it" (Forest Blakk, 2018). 

To say that you were just a "friend" is a huge insult to the love that we had for one another. And boy did we love each other. You were my soulmate. You saw me for who I was, each and every time you saw me, and you loved me regardless. You saw me in dirty stinky clothes, and then all dolled up for a date. You told me that my "mom body and curves are where it's at, and you are just fine" in my body that I was so self conscious of. More than once you saw me red eyed and soggy from literally sobbing my eyes out over a man that I thought loved me. Now I know that the love he had may have been the best he could do, but it's not what I needed. Because he didn't love me the way you did. The way I deserved to be held and loved and seen. The way it's so easy and worth it when it's unconditional and genuine. As easy as breathing, back when breathing wasn't so painful. 

You were my person. The one soul that I could be anything around and you never ran away. You never left or got scared off and you never found a reason to stay away from me. You met me where I was literally every. single. time. for 12 years. You're woven into my soul in a way that I never noticed, until that fiber of your presence was all that I had left. 

You were my one true love. The only man that ever loved me as I was and never held that love back because of some flaws in my human condition. You never gave me any reason to wonder if I was good enough, or if I deserved it that day. You simply showed up and you loved me in the truest, most simple way. The next man that I let love me has to fill those shoes, has to make me feel the way you did, because if he doesn't, it's not enough for me. I told you once that you were my standard. You never understood that, but I did. And what a beautiful gift that is, to have such a high standard of love in my life, thanks to you. 

I will never forget you, and I will never be the same woman again, that I was on November 22nd when I left your house that night. The night that turned out to be the last time I would see your beautiful face, your smile, hold your hand or hear your voice. That woman that sat with you on that couch that night, she died with you when you finally found the blissful peace that you had been so yearning for. She ceased to exist the second your heart stopped beating. The woman that sits here and writes this is not sure who she is and she is not sure what to do with herself . She wants to scream and throw things, and pick fights so that she can yell at someone for something. Because when she's not crying, she's angry. 

She wants to love you back to life, but not the life you left behind. She wants to love you back to a life that is kind to you and supports you and loves you back the way you deserved, because you were the best goddamn man, the kindest soul, and my absolute favorite human being. I want to love you back to life because I don't know how to do this without you. I don't even know what life with you means. "I guess I always thought that we had time to get older" (Forest Blakk, 2024).. we were supposed to grow old together, and have our house with the big wrap-around porch, and our mini farm. We were going to watch the sunsets on the porch with our cheap beers, and live out our days together. It was going to be you and me...

Right now this heart hurts and yet it's numb, at the same time. I don't even know how that's possible, but apparently it fucking is. It feels nothing- no joy, no love, no desire, no laughter...no future with you in it. Which is a bitch because what I want is to smile and really mean it, and I want to laugh and play and have relationships that I can feel. Right now the only thing I feel is that this is a body that I am living in, and it feels foreign. It feels heavy and heartbroken and empty. It doesn't eat most days because it just doesn't care, and these hands want to text you a million different times because the heart in this body doesn't remember that you're gone - until it does. And it's in those moments, that I have to remember, that I loved you and you loved me, and you are finally out of pain. I will carry you in this heart, so that its not so empty, and I will forever know that "I was lucky you were mine". (Forest Blakk, 2024)

Forest Blakk. (2018, September 14). Forest Blakk - Breathe [Official Spoken Word Video] [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3Xgx2ihf7Y

Forest Blakk. (2024, April 12). Forest Blakk - You Were Mine (Official music Video) [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NTAOiJxJJFI

Right person, wrong time.

 "I can't do us anymore. I just can't deal with James and his mom anymore" 

Some part of me knew things were going to be different when you came home from being on the road that week. The same way I could always physically feel a shift in us, when you weren't around and before you even said anything. 

I knew those words, or some variation of them were coming, and I desperately hoped I would be wrong. But in my heart, I knew the moment your name came up on my phone, that things weren't going to be the same after that. I knew in my soul somehow, that they had won, and we had lost, and that the only man I had found in a long time that made me feel valid, and loved, just couldn't do it anymore. And I went through probably a dozen things in an instant, even though it felt like all of these things became known to me at the same time- I knew that I had finally known what real love felt like. I knew that I had been able to find who I was with you, because I was safe with you. I knew that you loved me to the best of your ability while we had each other, and I knew that I was jealous of you in a way, because you got to decide to walk away from them and I couldn't. I knew I'd love you and miss you the rest of my life, because to me- you were my Saturday. I knew that being your wife one day was all I wanted, and if I got to have you, then I'd have all I needed in a partner. My life- our life- could have been something really beautiful. 

I knew that loving you was the easiest thing I had done with my life, besides loving my children, and that I have never laughed more or more genuinely, than I did with you. I knew that my life was going to be a lot more lonely after you because I couldn't imagine another man out there that would see me the way you did- the way you simply just knew how to love me in the little ways I needed to be loved. the way we would literally finish each other's sentences, and not in common words or phrases but something random and off kilter and we would both say it at the same time. I know that still, when I hear someone count 3-2-1 I smirk, because I don't have to flinch as you smack my butt anymore. But I would love it if I did. 

I miss bringing you coffee in the mornings, as you mumbled into the pillow. How we would sit there and drink our coffee together in bed, while we figured out the day and what we did or did not want to do, and what projects could we start in the yard? Is there a YouTube video for it? Does Home Depot have what we would need? Fuck it, lets just go look around. I still smile a little bit when I see the leaf blowers, or the edgers on sale or I watch husbands try to talk their wives into a new chainsaw, and i get a little sad. You never really had to talk me into it, I just liked to see you happy and if it took a chainsaw to do that, then so be it. Bringing home a power tool for you was like bringing home a new baby for someone else. 

I miss going golfing with you and your guys and watching you do something you loved so much. I miss the way you took the game seriously, but not yourself. The way you were never afraid of PDA in front of your friends and I never felt unwelcome amongst you guys. The way they said my "snack game is on point". You always made me a part of your plans, even when those plans were stupid fucking early T times and it was soggy outside. I never felt unwanted with you. 

I wish that I could know you now. The man that is healed and happy and hopefully not hating his job. I feel jilted sometimes that I had you when you were in pain all the time, at jobs that you hated, and were generally unhappy. It  makes me wonder what you're like now, how good we could have been together if you hadn't been going through two back surgeries.. I can only imagine the wrestling you could do with Gus if you were around and healed up. He would finally have a fair fight. You two would be inseparable even more so than you were before. 

I feel like I could say "I Miss you" a million times, but it doesn't capture all the ways and all the reasons I miss you. It's not something I can articulate, because there are no words for when you feel like half of your soul is out there walking the earth without you. You said once, that I am the only person that you have ever been able to be yourself around. In a selfish way I hope that's still true. But what kind of person would love you and want you to be hiding the best parts of yourself with someone new? Because I loved every goofy, childish, weird, loud thing that you did. And I wouldn't want you to change those parts of you for someone else. If they can't handle "Raul", then they need to keep walking ;) 

I get this stupid hope that you will show up at the house one day, and I can see you, hear you and hug you again. You will say that you miss me, and have missed me like I've missed you, and it wont be perfect or easy, and we don't know how to work it out, but fuck it, lets give it one more try. I know that isn't really going to happen. But I like to think that you will be thinking about me one day and pop up somehow...unlikely i know, but i think i am going to love you forever, so of course i want to see you again. We loved each other when we ended. I just wish I knew if we loved each other now. 

The little things.

 Its in the way that when I look up at you, you're smiling at me for no apparent reason.

Or the way you know how to get a smile out of me when i'm close to tears because i'm frustrated.

Morning coffee maker beeps because the coffee that you set up the night before is ready for us.

The coffee cup top offs before you pour yourself another cup. 

The simple pleasure of sitting with you on the stoop at the end of the day. 

Feeling you there whether we're in bed, or on the couch - I can reach out and touch you because you're never far from me.

Its buying different "weekend coffees" so we can try something new

Its a bunch of dog videos that tell us what we're in for....

Its watching you smile when you talk to your son....

Its how we always say 'I Love you' before we go to sleep

Our cheesy matching coffee mugs

and our fake wedding rings

Its the way you accept me in my moments when i don't feel very lovable, and you hold me anyway

Its our daily phone calls to see how each others day is going 

Its how we each pick a person and we draw each other when we all go out to dinner

Its in the smile that you gave me the night we met, that told me you were something special

and the way you plan our life years down the road..

The way James holds my hand when we’re walking out of a restaurant, or barrels into me when he can’t stop running 

Its the way that i just want to get home to you when i dont want to be anywhere at all

and the way you already know what your getting my kid for Christmas

Home

The way you tell me I’m pretty when I smile- makes me want to smile again. And the way you seem to look right through me sometimes, like you can see every corner of my essence…and then the way you sort of smirk, it makes me think that you actually can
The energy that lives in symphony with the ease that is simply ‘US’ makes me feel like my heart knows you’re some part of my home. You are like the room that I can go to and cry, all curled up in a ball, when life gets to be too much. Or the room that hears me when I laugh so hard my sides hurt and I can’t speak. The room that knows how many times I’ve laid awake at night and wondered why no one knows how to love me. You are this room that knows me inside and out and has been there without question since I first stepped foot inside. This room has seen my fantasies played out in my mind, and knows the way my body flushes with heat in response. The way I long to be touched in ways that make my back arch and my breath catch in my throat… then there are days that your room has seen me give every last ounce of me to someone else, and has been there to hold me as I slept.
I’ve sat down in defeat and anguish, and nothingness on your floor, and been a shell of myself trying to keep it together. I’ve thrown color on my face so that I don’t feel so transparent, hoping you don’t
notice. But you do. You always do. I’ve spent hours outside your walls and longed to be nestled back
inside. This room is home.

For when I am inside, I know that I am safe - really truly safe, and that if I did get hurt, it was not
because you meant to. I know that I am good enough, and maybe even more than enough sometimes. I know that when you stand as my shelter, that I will be heard, I will be seen, and I will be loved. Not the kind of love that comes with an IOU, but the kind that exists because there is not any other way to
possibly exist with this person. The kind that means “I am here, always” without question, or debts! The love just exists because I deserve it, and somehow! through some sort of magic, I don’t even question it. I don’t ask “but why?”, or say “I’m not that special”. These words have left my lips so many times before. I don’t even try to downplay these things as I lean against your walls. Instead I just feel you behind me, supporting me, loving me, and I let my guard down and I close my eyes so I can breathe you in. I thank God that he put you in my path, because as they say- “there’s no place like home”.

I'm not for everybody.

I don’t understand you yet. On one hand we have such a good time together, but on the other hand you say things that just turn me off. And I don’t know if you mean things the way you say them, or not because there are these sky high walls up that I don’t stand a chance of climbing. Some times I don’t think I want to. I’ll Just let you go when you’re done here. Because without knowing me, or my trauma, my past, or my triggers you have made remarks about my weight, my housekeeping or perceived lack thereof, my laundry habits and then my driving.

What you don’t know anything about is what my life looks like when I wake up at 6 am. When I get out of bed and immediately have a house to take care of, dogs to feed, kids to feed, kids to get to school, and then maybe- just maybe! I might get out of the house without forgetting what I need (Just for the record, that rarely happens) on my way to a full time job that needs me there at 8. My life isn’t clean and organized and its not working out after work or cleaning part of the house every night when I get home. What you don’t know anything about is that I spend a stupid amount of time stressing over being a good mom and giving my kids a clean house, with a full fridge and clean clothes and fewer dogs. I want them to know how hard I try for them, but I am always so tired.

Maybe my life looks like a dining room table covered with toys and mail because that’s the heart of the house. It looks like a sink load of dishes because I care more about how my boys did that day. It’s crooked couch cushions because you can’t play “The floor is Lava” without knocking things over a little bit and throwing things on the floor. Its the endless parade of laundry baskets that work as dressers because after being gone 11 hours a day, and then making dinner, feeding the dogs and actually washing the clothes, I am to damn tired and sore after 15 hours to do anything else. And it doesn’t matter in the long run anyway. It’s a subtle dusting of dog hair in some spots because at some point we opened ourselves to loving these creatures that changed our lives. That doesn’t mean that my sheets are dirty, or they smell. I don’t remember what scent the laundry soap is, but I know its not ‘Eau De Canine’. I’ve heard some hurtful things before but between the weight of carrying a house, 2 kids, a full time job, car problems, money shortages, lack of sleep, constant and increasing physical pain, and maybe 30 minutes to myself a week I just don’t have it in me to clean the carpets every week, lose 40 pounds, take up a physical hobby that hurts me even more at the end of the day. I just don’t have it in me, literally/ physically/ emotionally/ financially.

My life is more love and less organized. It’s the sound of singing and dancing around the kitchen one night and yelling at each other the next night. Its laughing and tickling and bedtime routines and the near nightly debate on whether I want to go to bed because I’m asleep on my feet or do I want to watch 20 minutes of something? Its forgetting to take the pill that makes me feel better because I’ve been running all over for everyone else since I got home. Or trying to remember if I ate today. Its crying from frustration and exhaustion for no reason at all. Maybe I just have to pee, but I’m so fucking tired that when I get up my whole body feels like it’s made of lead.

I’m not for everybody. And I like it that way. I guess what I’m saying is that you can take me or leave me, but don’t take me and then try to change me. You don’t know how hard I’ve fought to get here.

Wonder (Why), Woman?

How do you know when you’ve lost part of yourself? 

I’m sitting here today thinking that I am so lonely and so near desperate for love, that I will let myself be used and yo-yo’d because it feels better than being alone. I know this to be 100% bullshit, but I just keep finding myself in these places, with these people, that don’t really love me, or honor all the work I’ve done to get where I am today. I feel like I have this confidence and this ability to stand up for myself and what I hold dear…until I get lonely. 

I let the pretty words or the compliments drown out the doubt and blow away the red flags. The flirting that tints my glasses with more and more rose color with each ‘beautiful’, ‘sexy’, ‘gorgeous’ that I can hardly see through them anymore. I am so lonely that I will berate myself at home alone, instead of reminding myself that what I’m doing isn’t wrong, it just isn’t kind to me. 

I’m sitting here today wondering why I offered to get close to someone when they want to leave within a year. Can I really take that? I don’t know. I know I have lost bigger pieces of my life, and I am still here. I know that caring for someone who wants to leave is worth it, because a year that changes my life will always be worth the heartache afterwards. I don’t want to avoid heartache- I just want it to be worth it.  I think this could be worth it…

I know reading this makes it sound like I’m just lonely again and wanting him to fix it. But the truth is, I have more respect for myself with him. I feel how strong I am and I know that with him I can stand up for myself. He hasn’t let me do anything else, really. 

If he decides it isn’t worth it that would hurt because we’re good together. We laugh, we talk, we relate, we understand each other. He’s kind, and gentle and artistic and he has a beautiful ability to make me feel at home in my skin. We see things and we think of each other. He’s shy and respectful, a gentleman. This kind of intimacy is what I long for. It’s so important to be able to come back to something when things get hard. Anyone can sleep together, but not many start with these things first. Put in the work to become friends before lovers, or take things slow because it really is that important. The kind of intimacy that makes holding hands send chills up your arm, and a smile sneak to your lips. Where you find a reason to touch the other person, just for a second. To watch them smile and wonder what their kiss feels like…these all make those moments so much sweeter when they happen. 

 

These are all the reasons I want him to stay…

But what I know of his heart so far is that he has been hurt, terribly, by the people that should have loved him. He’s gotten close before. And he’s been hurt before. Its not a fault or a flaw to be a human being with your guard up. Its not a bad thing to watch out for yourself because you’re scared or cautious. Its smart. The hard part is that I don’t know if I’m worth taking a chance or not. That’s for him to feel out. All I can do is say that I’m in, if he is. The rest is out of my hands….and I fucking hate that!

I hope you know...

You would be 16 right now, sweet girl. I imagine you would have blond hair and blue eyes, just like me. You would have a smart mouth and a huge heart and we would have done a lot of growing up together, because you would have been my first. My first belly, my first flutters, kicks and bounces. My first sleepless nights and exhaustion induced meltdowns. My first 1^st birthday party and “terrible two’s” and scrambling home from work to see you after a long day. You would have been my first understanding of what it means to love something more than myself. I promise you, that I thought I did what was best for you, because I didn’t know then what I know now. If I ever thought that I could give you any kind of a life, I would have in a heartbeat. I would have gladly been up all night, and sleep walking at work. Smelling like leaking breast milk and sweet new baby smell. Going days without a shower just because I didn’t want to leave you alone for a minute. It would have been just you and me, baby girl, but I would have done my best…if only I knew what I had in me.

I’m sorry I didn’t know then that I could run on empty for weeks. I’m sorry I didn’t know then that I would feel such a huge hole each and every year that I’ve been here without you. I’m sorry that I didn’t understand what I would be capable of the second I saw you….I’m just so sorry. I was young, and I was alone and I didn’t have anyone to tell me I would be alright. So I didn’t know that we would have been okay, somehow, somewhere. All I knew was that I didn’t know how to be a mother and I didn’t want to see you in 7 months just to give you to someone else, because I didn’t know if I could do that. And if I couldn’t do that, I didn’t know what kind of life I would be able to give you on my own.

I hope you know, that I haven’t gone without you on my mind all the time, for the last 17 years. I hope you know that I wonder about you when I watch my boys playing…I wonder what kind of sweet things you and Noah would have done when he was little, and I just imagine you would have been a great momma to Marcus when he was born. I know you would have been an absolutely amazing big sister, had I only known then what I know now...

I hope you know that I love you. For the few days I knew you were there, I loved you so much. I know it sounds stupid, but I did what I did because I loved you. I just didn’t want you to have a childhood that you had to recover from, like I did. I hope you know I did my best.

Crimson River

The problem with trusting people, if you’re like me, is that you trust everybody. You trust the things they say, and the way they make you feel. You trust the lies that they tell you with a straight face, because they make you feel special. You trust the really really bad excuses because they must have a good reason. And then you wake up one day and you have to admit to yourself that yes, you saw that crimson river of red flags and you let it all go. Because when you ache to feel someone next to you, you risk the heart break just to feel the heartbeat. Just to feel the form of that warm body lying beside you.


The problem with trusting people, if you’re like me, is that you will let them come back time and time again. Because, in a way, they become your drug of choice. You can tell yourself that they aren’t welcome back each time they leave…until they ask to come back again. When you settle the nerves and swallow the little bit of pride you have left when it comes to them, you tell them your door is open, and you’ll be waiting for them. For a minute you feel beautiful because this is what they want.


The problem with trusting people, if you’re like me, is that you are 100% aware that what you are doing to feel some sort of love is nothing you would wish for your kids, or your friends. You wouldn’t wish this kind of desperate need for touch and interaction on them because you know what it feels like inside when you let yourself be torn down, used, and lied to. You know what it tastes like in the back of your throat when you have to choke down a sob before it comes out because you’re “not going to cry over him again”. But you know that’s a lie, and so you do cry...you just do it as quietly as possible.


The problem with trusting people, if you’re like me, is that you really, honestly, thought this person could love you. You believed his lies, that he wanted to raise your kids with you, and grow old with you. He knew just how to let you get your hopes up and feel like there was a future for you…but then you find out you were a way to pass the time, and you wait for that moment when your heart falls and breaks on the floor again...and you know it’s going to, because it happens every time.

The problem with trusting people, if you're like me, is that you like to see the good in them. Their smile, their laugh, the way they look when they talk about babies..the way they can look at you for just a second longer than they should and you feel your heart skip. You trust the way they look at you and say nothing, but smile. They way they say "You know I love you, right?" with that thick voice that you long to hear in your ear as you lay in bed next to them someday.

The problem with trusting people, if you're like me, is that you know in your heart there are very few that really love you. All the others are just pretty words in the right order, from a set of lips you could kiss all day long...if they'd have you.


The problem with trusting people, if you’re like me, is having to remember that trusting people is not a terrible thing to do…you just have to learn how to trust the right people. And that’s the hard part.

Don't do it....

How do you fight the devils in your head that tell you repeatedly that you just are not enough? The voices that say "he's playing with you", "your just a way to pass the time", " if he'd thought about you, he'd call/ you would know if he missed you...". How do you turn those things off, or even know if you can? Is it just your anxiety talking, or is it intuition? Do you know if these feelings are even real?

You do know what you don't want, and what you wont settle for. you know what you deserve, and how you would treat him. You know that it might be anxiety, but that you also would expect more from someone that says they care for you.

Are you too much for them? Too much attention, too available, too easy? Maybe if you were harder to get, messed with their head, or just went hot and then cold...maybe if you just became someone you are 100% not, they would come around?

Why are you putting up with things that make you question yourself and your worth? You've come to far for that shit.

Bittersweet

I have been wanting to get on here for some time, I just never know how to say what I have floating around in my head. I've learned a few things lately, though.

I've learned that you can spend 3+ years with a person and they will leave right from under you. What I thought would be heartbreaking, actually turned out to be exactly what I needed. Sad, yes. but I didn't lose my self when it was over, like I thought I might. Turns out i never gave as much away as I thought. Thank God. It seems that that time was spent as a distraction so that I wasn't looking for someone I couldn't have. Not until the time was right.

Funny how quickly things can change. One day I was alone and lonely, and trying those dating apps that just made shit so damn weird. Getting upset because I thought we hit it off, and then they never come around again. Or the only other people I can seem to find are nasty ass, crude, unsolicited dick pick kind of guys. Gross. Also, fucking grow-up.

I have also learned that sometimes the thing you need, might just be sitting on the other end of a message. A message that puts a smile on your face, because these have become the messages that you look forward to. Messages that ask you how your day is going, how the kids are, or just commiserating over work. Messages with goofy memes, and sweet ideas. Messages that call you "beautiful" and want to know when your weird blind dates are done, so they know you're safe.
I learned that having something, and someone to look forward to made the days so much easier. The stresses not so overwhelming, and the mornings a little sweeter when there was a 'Good morning, beautiful' text waiting for me. I have learned that something sweet can grow when you aren't expecting it and that in itself is wonderful. Its like a little secret garden that only we know about. A place that's just ours. When you find yourself getting close to someone you weren't expecting, it has this extra innocence. It feels more pure, somehow. Like getting to know each other all over again, because this time its different.

I have also learned that sometimes what makes me smile, is out there making someone else cry. I have learned that I am stronger than I expected and while I still wish I could fix things and take the other persons pain away, I know that I cant. I am slowly learning that it is OK for me to be happy, even when its hard for others. I am learning that joy and guilt can coexist in the same space, and there is nothing wrong with that. Its just what life feels like sometimes. Bitter/sweet.

Bitter/sweet is not easy, but I think that is what it looks like now, when the dynamic changes. How lucky am I to be cared for by two wonderful people at once? I just wish that it wasn't so hard for one of them. Because to know that they both matter to me, and I care for them both so much, makes it so hard on this weird little heart of mine when I have to, simultaneously, give one what its asking for while causing it so much pain. The old me would have done whatever she could to keep the pain away, but that would mean living this time, right now, in a secret. And no one deserves to be a secret.
So the truth comes out, and it hurts. But the truth is also so freeing, and so liberating. I was able to honor myself and the messages that make me smile. I was able to honor the person on the other end of those messages, and also, in a weird way, I was able to honor the person that I hurt. Because I wasn't hiding anything, and I wasn't intentionally keeping him comfortable while I started something in the shadows. So, as it often happens in my life, this too is bitter/sweet. But in the most sincere, loving, and transparent way. My hope is that one day he will see that it was, actually, done with the best of intentions. Because his heart matters too.

Ive never claimed to be a smart person.

When you feel that this one might be worth it, knowing full well that you should have left a long time ago...but your torn between enjoying it while it lasts, and ending it before you get hurt for the 100th time. Because you will get hurt again. Because that's what this looks like when it's lopsided. When you have to always read between lines, or try to decrypt what their saying (because just saying it is what? Emotional? Complimentary? Going to look like whatever this is matters to you too?) and you don't want to tell yourself you're too important because for all you know, at the end of the day you're not. But you think there are moments when you're sure you just might be. But that absence of  heavy or real conversation makes you doubt yourself in a millions little ways.... And you're not an idiot, you know nothing that looks the way this does is ever going to change, but that doesnt keep you from hoping that one day it will. One day you just might be enough for this person, after all the hundreds of times you've wondered why you aren't. If that day really comes around the next question you'll ask yourself is- after all this time now, are they good enough for me now? Because somehow, by now, you've loved them for a long time. With all of their flaws, and walls and their excuses. You never said you were smart....

Who woulda thought it..?

It’s funny to me how we are so certain that we are getting what we want in one moment, and not so sure about it the next…

It took a girl in a bar to change my relationship for the better. No more arguing, no more distance and none of this intentional hurtfulness…all because of one girl in the right bar on the right night (I guess). Thanks to her, my life with my kid’s dad has gotten so much easier. The divorce papers are nearly signed and ready to go, we are openly talking about other people - dating other people/ being involved with other people…and that’s great because it’s what’s going on with us now.

And while it is great, it also makes my heart a little sad. The friendship that I have with him now is what we should have been able to have the whole marriage, except that we had done too much damage to each other to find this friendship on our own. It took another woman to wake us both up. And what’s really wonderful (and honestly, a little annoying) is that I think her and I could be friends if we ever met each other. She’s getting this version of him that I don’t know if I ever had, and yet it’s making him and I better co - parents and friends. The sad part of all this is that if he and I could have found this kind of relationship years ago, we’d probably never consider leaving each other. How’s that for irony?  In a matter of hours it went from “I’m not moving on because I don’t want to” to “so…I met a girl…”

And while I am happy for him (honestly, I am) I suddenly feel more alone than I did before. I think part of it stems from jealousy because as a full time single mom, I don’t have any time to try and go meet anyone. I don’t find guys at the bar, and no one comes up to me in any fashion outside of the bar…

The other part of it is because I didn’t think that he’d move on so fast and after 11 years, the idea of him being with someone else just makes it hard to breathe. SO, back to what I started with- from one moment to the next life can turn you on your head and leave you there for a while. Now I find myself looking to make sense of everything all because this girl walked into our lives. And I thank her for that. I thank her for everything she has given to my boy’s dad in the short time they’ve known each other which has trickled down to him giving me what I always needed. I thank her for giving this sense of value and purpose and an emotional connection to the man that I have to raise my children with. I thank her for walking to the bar that night and I even thank him for being so stubborn with me just a few hours before meeting her, that he was mad enough at me to stay at that bar. I never thought that when I left him there that night our lives would change. I thought I would wake up the next day and still be fighting an uphill battle and living my next few months as the bad guy that just “didn’t try” or “gave up”. 

When he asked me if I could meet him for lunch 4 days later because he needed to talk to me, my heart started to race thinking that something big had happened. Maybe he lost his job, or maybe he was sick, or maybe he wanted to make the divorce harder just because he could…I never thought I’d be greeted with a hug - a tight, sincere hug that I had been missing for so long. That hug wasn’t trying to make me feel like shit for asking for a divorce, it wasn’t being offered because I asked for it, and most importantly – it wasn’t being given as a way to manipulate me or make me feel guilty. It was the best hug we’d shared in ages.  And then he said “I don’t want to not be friends with you” and I almost cried.

This woman that he barely knew gave him so much that I wasn’t able to for the longest time. By giving him what he needed, she gave me my friend back. Someone that should be my best friend, really. Someone that I want to spend my time with and talk to at the end of the day and I want to hear how his day was, and how she’s doing. It’s a whole new level of maturity that I didn’t know I didn’t have until this last week. But it’s such a gift and that gift is felt amongst the entire family.  I finally feel like we might be alright after all. And I hope she stays around, I really do. I’d like to meet her and take her for coffee and thank her for what she’s done for our family. I think she is what we’ve needed that we couldn’t put our finger on. Our missing link turned out to be a cute girl in a bar on a Friday night. So, again I ask- how’s that for irony?

"Im falling for your eyes, but they dont know me yet"

Someone called me out as a romantic the other day. I thought they were nuts at first, but I’m starting to think that they’re not so far off the mark.

I like the love songs, the chick flicks and the idea of having something to fight for. I like the songs where a guy is singing about how much he thinks about a girl when she’s not around. Or the songs that tell a story of two people that aren’t together but want to be….I guess I’m a sucker for the longing of another person. I think there is a lot that people can relate to in those songs, a lot that brings back those memories of when we were first in love with our person- when we would think about them all the time and then be excited to see them again. I’ve started to notice that those songs are what my lonely looks like. The stories in those lyrics are what I miss.

I miss companionship, and friendship in a partner. I miss intimacy that is more than sex. I want to hold someone’s hand and dance with them in the kitchen or on the patio under the stars. I want to be crazy in love with someone who makes me laugh, and knows that I’m a little ditzy sometimes. I want to go on adventures, and make memories and get one of those hugs that makes me feel like the world is not such a bad place, because in that moment I know that I’m safe and cared for. I want to be able to simply exist with my person when I don’t have the ability to do anything else.

I believe that loving someone should be easy, even when life isn’t. I believe that there should be less struggle and more compassion in a relationship. If we’re with someone that we love, it shouldn’t be the hardest thing we have going on in our lives. They should be our refuge, our safe place that can we can count on to shelter us from the ways of the world when we need it. Keith Urban has a song called “Break On Me” and it makes me cry nearly every time I hear it because I had someone willing to let me break on him, but I never felt like I could. That kind of intimacy wasn’t there…after all the shit we had been thru, I had that part of myself highly guarded because maybe I didn’t feel safe. Or maybe after all the other ways I had felt with him, I didn’t feel like he deserved to be there when I needed someone. I couldn’t let the person that broke me be the one to comfort me when someone else made me feel broken. Talk about mixed signals…

I want to know that I can leave my heart with someone and not worry about it being forgotten. I have felt lower than I knew was possible over the last few years, and all I know is that i don’t want that again.

I just want to love someone, which should be the easy part. <3

This emotional upchuck brought to you by:

Break on me- Keith Urban

Kiss Me- Ed Sheeran

The One- Gary Allan

Say Goodnight- Eli Young Band

Lonely Tonight- Blake Shelton

Die A Happy Man- Thomas Rhett

And God only knows how many others.

"That's all you ever wanted, from me"

I haven't heard this song in a really long time, but I came across it today and it just really seemed to hit home for me in this moment....and then I started crying...

All You Ever Wanted~ Hunter Hayes 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lurPBt1xmcM

You gave me chances and I let you down
You waited for words that I couldn't get out
I have no excuses for the way that I am
I was clueless then, I couldn't understand

All that you wanted, and all that you needed
Was a side of me I never let you see

I wish I could love you and make you believe it
Cuz that's all you ever wanted
That's all you ever wanted, from me

An oooohhh

Could I be selfish, or lost in my pride
Afraid to be forward, or just to scared to try
And Now I'm without you, and it took distance to see
That losing you, means losing everything

All that you wanted, and all that you needed
Was a side of me I never let you see

And I wish I could love you and make you believe it
Cuz that's all you ever wanted
That's all you ever wanted, from me

And is it too late, and are you too far
To turn around and let me be

Let me be

All that you wanted, and all that you needed
I'll show a side of me I never let you see

I wish I could love you and make you believe it
Cuz that's all you ever wanted
Yeah That's all you ever wanted,
And that's all you ever wanted
That's all you ever wanted,

From me... Oh, from me

Maybe you're the asshole...?

I read something this last weekend at the beach that was trying to combat this new trend of saying that all kids are @$$holes. So, in light of this new stupid trend, I thought I would put out there what my motherhood looks like. And I encourage you two either copy mine, or make your own. Lets show people why we do what we do, everyday. Parenthood is the only job we have that really matters.

It’s half a pack of broken crayons in the bottom of your purse…and half eaten crackers that you don’t remember throwing in there.

It’s that pile of papers your keeping that have a bunch of different colored scribbles on it, but those scribbles were made for you in your favorite colors…

Its packing an extra bag when you leave town just so that they can have their bedtime stuffed animals- all 6 of them

It’s having more ‘Avengers” band-aids than plain ones…

It’s learning that sometimes Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle shampoo just DOES work better than Avengers, that’s why

It’s spending weekends buried under piles of little clothes and mismatched socks and not wanting it any other way.

It’s you house looking like the toy section of Goodwill threw up in your hallway, or your living room

It looks like cuddles on the couch when their stuffed up and can’t sleep without leaning against you.

It looks like sleepless nights and feeling helpless when you can’t do anything to make them feel better

It sounds like both of you crying when they look up at you exhausted saying that they have a headache from the fever that is working its way thru their body.

It’s knowing that one likes green dishes and one likes blue dishes

It’s that feeling of knowing that when you see them they are going to yell out your name and run to you with their arms wide open for hugs.

It’s the kisses that must happen before bedtime, or else they can’t get to sleep. And it’s you needing those kisses as much as they need to give them.

It’s every day that you climb into bed knowing that you will get up and do it again tomorrow and the day after and the day after….

Its evening time football games in the front yard

Its catching rain drops on your tongues “just because”

Its macaroni necklaces that you know you’ll keep until every noodle breaks

It’s looking at this incredible little person that you made and feeling more pride in them than you have felt for anything else you’ve ever done.

It’s sounds like their little voices saying “I love you”

Its parenthood. And it’s hard. But it’s also beautiful and its important. My kids are not assholes- they're kids....If childhood bothers you, maybe you're the asshole in this equation.This is my motherhood, and this is why I do it: