Humaning is hard...

The emotional heart is a funny thing. It basically drives our every move, even when it’s not happy with where we are going. When our hearts are big enough to let other people in, we start directing our life for those people. Sometimes it’s because we want to see them happy. Other times it’s because we have hurt them in some way and that pesky heart of ours is saying that we should fix it. My heart right now is saying that I have fought to be happy, and to be honest with myself and what I want. It’s also telling me that I was mean and horrible to someone else because of those desires.

So, when do we know when to start acknowledging the desire of our own hearts over the desire of someone else’s? When do we, as emotionally stupid and dependent creatures, know when to live through the guilt instead of give into it? Because I can tell you from the feeling in my heart at this very moment, that part of me wants to go back and ”fix” everything even while knowing that I would be unhappy and untrue to myself. Part of me doesn’t like being the reason someone else is hurting, and honestly, not being liked by someone is always a hit to the ego.  Thanks for nothing, ego…

I also know at this moment that I wouldn’t last another year if I fixed it for someone else. I wouldn’t be able love myself the way I need to be loved, and I wouldn’t be showing my little people at home what real strength and love really looks like. If nothing else comes out of all of this, I need them to know that I tried- I tried my best, I tried as long as I could and then when it got hard I tried to be the best example I could for them. When they grow up to be decent, loving human beings then I will be able to say that everything I did was worth it. At least they will know that they are loved.

This is what I have to keep in mind when the other option is to apologize, give in, and give up something that I feel very strongly belongs to me. I spent a long time doing those things, and years later I am still doing it, having some of the same conversations I’ve had time and time again. This time though, I’m not weak, I’m not dependent and I’m not scared. I just feel guilty….and that is almost worse. Guilt is like the final pound of pressure that is just waiting to pierce your heart and make you wish you could take it all back. Guilt is my Achilles Heel.  It makes it hard to breathe, to laugh, to smile and to do whatever I need to do to love myself, and that’s the real bitch of it all.

So, one day at a time I will breathe in and out, and I will put one foot in front of the other. I will love my little people and myself, and in the only way I know how, I will love that person that is trying to pierce my heart because I know why they’re doing it. I will respect that at this time, this is part of their journey just like guilt is part of mine. I will respect that I don’t have the right to change their pain or their heart any more than they have the right to tell me I shouldn’t feel that guilt. We are each the reason the other one is hurting, and for right now this is our reality.

When the hurting stops and the guilt (kisses my ass and) goes away we will be okay. We will be able to laugh again, to love again, and we will be better versions of ourselves. That’s my plan anyway. You can’t live a life without learning from it but that doesn’t mean that all of our lessons are comfortable. The most important lessons are often the hardest. How do you think they make an impression?