I read something today that basically said to undo yourself- undo everything that happened to you that dimmed your shine. That got me thinking. How do we really know what it was that dimmed our shine? It’s not like there is one of those little turkey timers that pops out of our belly when that one monumental moment occurs. We don’t get an email from the universe saying “well, now, Sarah it seems that your starting to dim a little bit. You should knock that shit off”. Sure would be nice if we did though. But the reality is that by the time we realize that our lights have dimmed or gone out, we have baggage. We have baggage because we’ve lived a life up to this point. So, again, without that fancy turkey timer to tell us when we started acquiring darker baggage, how do we know what baggage is something to cherish and which is slowly turning to stone and weighing us down?
Some days I feel like I know the moment I started to dim. I was pregnant with my second, a full time student and mom to a 2 year old. I remember waking up one day and I just laid in bed. I wondered what the hell I was doing, why I was still there, and then I wondered if I could get through just one more day. If I could get through one more day then I could go to bed, wake up tomorrow and do it again for just one more day. That was over four years ago. So I can clearly do things one day at a time, but I long for a feeling that I don’t have to take life one day at a time. I long to be in love with my life, instead of wondering if I will make it that whole week without an attack or meltdown of some kind.
I don’t know if that morning that I gave myself a horrible pep talk was actually the day I started to dim or not. What I do know is that the girl I remember being years ago is not the girl I am now. The girl I used to be proud of was independent, and self-sufficient, and happy. She laughed a lot and watched romantic comedies. She had the hots for Tim McGraw and a bird named Thor that watched TV with her. She had a place of her own and a respect for herself that she held really dear and important. She was happy on her own, but wanted to love someone someday.
Now, today, the woman I am these days is tired, stressed, and sad. I don’t laugh very much and I haven’t watched a cheesy romantic comedy in years. I gave Thor away because he didn’t like the people in the house (I cried for 3 days). I am responsible for other people now and that means lunches, snacks, laundry, toys, messes and dishes that never end. It means falling asleep with the kids because I’m 4 years beyond being exhausted, or trying to stay up until 10 so that I can have some “grown up time” and a beer. And as for respecting myself like I used to….well that shit went out the window a long time ago. I know now that it didn’t have to, but at the time it felt like the only way to survive.
While I like the notion of ridding ourselves of those things that make us dim, I think we have a lot to learn from them as well. All of these things I’ve mentioned- the girl that I used to be and the girl that I am today- all these things have taught me something, even if they have dimmed my light some. I wouldn’t know that I can handle half the things that I’ve been through in the last decade, I never would have thought that I could look at a child and want to cry because I love something so much. I wouldn’t know what it really feels like to love myself enough to ask for better. I wouldn’t know that it’s ok to absolutely lose my shit and fall apart. I wouldn’t know what really and completely loving another person feels like.
These are things I know now, today. These things have molded me into the person writing this down. The light I had when I was 24 has dimmed, and I think that maybe it was supposed to. Without that light burning out, there was no room to ignite a new flame for the person I was going to become. It hasn’t been easy, and I’m not saying that I don’t miss the 24 year old me, but I am grateful for wisdom I have gained by being these two different versions of myself. I remember the feeling of being 24 and that reminds me of how good I can feel on my own, in my own skin and how easy it can be to breathe when life is settled down. I also appreciate the struggles I’ve been (and made it) through these last 10 years because they have taught me what’s really important, and how to recognize and fight for those things.
When the light that is guiding my life at this moment dims and burns out, a new one will ignite, yet again, and I will be on another new journey. Every stage of life is a new journey and I am looking forward to that new light. I will leave behind the baggage that serves no purpose. I will still get up and take things one day at a time until I don’t need to anymore. Right now, I need to because there are more hearts on the line than just mine alone. Those hearts matter. The lights and journeys that come with those hearts matter. As my current favorite new musician, Ed Sheeran says “I swear it will get easier. Remember that with every piece of ya”.
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