I've learned that you can spend 3+ years with a person and they will leave right from under you. What I thought would be heartbreaking, actually turned out to be exactly what I needed. Sad, yes. but I didn't lose my self when it was over, like I thought I might. Turns out i never gave as much away as I thought. Thank God. It seems that that time was spent as a distraction so that I wasn't looking for someone I couldn't have. Not until the time was right.
Funny how quickly things can change. One day I was alone and lonely, and trying those dating apps that just made shit so damn weird. Getting upset because I thought we hit it off, and then they never come around again. Or the only other people I can seem to find are nasty ass, crude, unsolicited dick pick kind of guys. Gross. Also, fucking grow-up.
I have also learned that sometimes the thing you need, might just be sitting on the other end of a message. A message that puts a smile on your face, because these have become the messages that you look forward to. Messages that ask you how your day is going, how the kids are, or just commiserating over work. Messages with goofy memes, and sweet ideas. Messages that call you "beautiful" and want to know when your weird blind dates are done, so they know you're safe.
I learned that having something, and someone to look forward to made the days so much easier. The stresses not so overwhelming, and the mornings a little sweeter when there was a 'Good morning, beautiful' text waiting for me. I have learned that something sweet can grow when you aren't expecting it and that in itself is wonderful. Its like a little secret garden that only we know about. A place that's just ours. When you find yourself getting close to someone you weren't expecting, it has this extra innocence. It feels more pure, somehow. Like getting to know each other all over again, because this time its different.
I have also learned that sometimes what makes me smile, is out there making someone else cry. I have learned that I am stronger than I expected and while I still wish I could fix things and take the other persons pain away, I know that I cant. I am slowly learning that it is OK for me to be happy, even when its hard for others. I am learning that joy and guilt can coexist in the same space, and there is nothing wrong with that. Its just what life feels like sometimes. Bitter/sweet.
Bitter/sweet is not easy, but I think that is what it looks like now, when the dynamic changes. How lucky am I to be cared for by two wonderful people at once? I just wish that it wasn't so hard for one of them. Because to know that they both matter to me, and I care for them both so much, makes it so hard on this weird little heart of mine when I have to, simultaneously, give one what its asking for while causing it so much pain. The old me would have done whatever she could to keep the pain away, but that would mean living this time, right now, in a secret. And no one deserves to be a secret.
So the truth comes out, and it hurts. But the truth is also so freeing, and so liberating. I was able to honor myself and the messages that make me smile. I was able to honor the person on the other end of those messages, and also, in a weird way, I was able to honor the person that I hurt. Because I wasn't hiding anything, and I wasn't intentionally keeping him comfortable while I started something in the shadows. So, as it often happens in my life, this too is bitter/sweet. But in the most sincere, loving, and transparent way. My hope is that one day he will see that it was, actually, done with the best of intentions. Because his heart matters too.
