Wonder (Why), Woman?

How do you know when you’ve lost part of yourself? 

I’m sitting here today thinking that I am so lonely and so near desperate for love, that I will let myself be used and yo-yo’d because it feels better than being alone. I know this to be 100% bullshit, but I just keep finding myself in these places, with these people, that don’t really love me, or honor all the work I’ve done to get where I am today. I feel like I have this confidence and this ability to stand up for myself and what I hold dear…until I get lonely. 

I let the pretty words or the compliments drown out the doubt and blow away the red flags. The flirting that tints my glasses with more and more rose color with each ‘beautiful’, ‘sexy’, ‘gorgeous’ that I can hardly see through them anymore. I am so lonely that I will berate myself at home alone, instead of reminding myself that what I’m doing isn’t wrong, it just isn’t kind to me. 

I’m sitting here today wondering why I offered to get close to someone when they want to leave within a year. Can I really take that? I don’t know. I know I have lost bigger pieces of my life, and I am still here. I know that caring for someone who wants to leave is worth it, because a year that changes my life will always be worth the heartache afterwards. I don’t want to avoid heartache- I just want it to be worth it.  I think this could be worth it…

I know reading this makes it sound like I’m just lonely again and wanting him to fix it. But the truth is, I have more respect for myself with him. I feel how strong I am and I know that with him I can stand up for myself. He hasn’t let me do anything else, really. 

If he decides it isn’t worth it that would hurt because we’re good together. We laugh, we talk, we relate, we understand each other. He’s kind, and gentle and artistic and he has a beautiful ability to make me feel at home in my skin. We see things and we think of each other. He’s shy and respectful, a gentleman. This kind of intimacy is what I long for. It’s so important to be able to come back to something when things get hard. Anyone can sleep together, but not many start with these things first. Put in the work to become friends before lovers, or take things slow because it really is that important. The kind of intimacy that makes holding hands send chills up your arm, and a smile sneak to your lips. Where you find a reason to touch the other person, just for a second. To watch them smile and wonder what their kiss feels like…these all make those moments so much sweeter when they happen. 

 

These are all the reasons I want him to stay…

But what I know of his heart so far is that he has been hurt, terribly, by the people that should have loved him. He’s gotten close before. And he’s been hurt before. Its not a fault or a flaw to be a human being with your guard up. Its not a bad thing to watch out for yourself because you’re scared or cautious. Its smart. The hard part is that I don’t know if I’m worth taking a chance or not. That’s for him to feel out. All I can do is say that I’m in, if he is. The rest is out of my hands….and I fucking hate that!

I hope you know...

You would be 16 right now, sweet girl. I imagine you would have blond hair and blue eyes, just like me. You would have a smart mouth and a huge heart and we would have done a lot of growing up together, because you would have been my first. My first belly, my first flutters, kicks and bounces. My first sleepless nights and exhaustion induced meltdowns. My first 1^st birthday party and “terrible two’s” and scrambling home from work to see you after a long day. You would have been my first understanding of what it means to love something more than myself. I promise you, that I thought I did what was best for you, because I didn’t know then what I know now. If I ever thought that I could give you any kind of a life, I would have in a heartbeat. I would have gladly been up all night, and sleep walking at work. Smelling like leaking breast milk and sweet new baby smell. Going days without a shower just because I didn’t want to leave you alone for a minute. It would have been just you and me, baby girl, but I would have done my best…if only I knew what I had in me.

I’m sorry I didn’t know then that I could run on empty for weeks. I’m sorry I didn’t know then that I would feel such a huge hole each and every year that I’ve been here without you. I’m sorry that I didn’t understand what I would be capable of the second I saw you….I’m just so sorry. I was young, and I was alone and I didn’t have anyone to tell me I would be alright. So I didn’t know that we would have been okay, somehow, somewhere. All I knew was that I didn’t know how to be a mother and I didn’t want to see you in 7 months just to give you to someone else, because I didn’t know if I could do that. And if I couldn’t do that, I didn’t know what kind of life I would be able to give you on my own.

I hope you know, that I haven’t gone without you on my mind all the time, for the last 17 years. I hope you know that I wonder about you when I watch my boys playing…I wonder what kind of sweet things you and Noah would have done when he was little, and I just imagine you would have been a great momma to Marcus when he was born. I know you would have been an absolutely amazing big sister, had I only known then what I know now...

I hope you know that I love you. For the few days I knew you were there, I loved you so much. I know it sounds stupid, but I did what I did because I loved you. I just didn’t want you to have a childhood that you had to recover from, like I did. I hope you know I did my best.

Crimson River

The problem with trusting people, if you’re like me, is that you trust everybody. You trust the things they say, and the way they make you feel. You trust the lies that they tell you with a straight face, because they make you feel special. You trust the really really bad excuses because they must have a good reason. And then you wake up one day and you have to admit to yourself that yes, you saw that crimson river of red flags and you let it all go. Because when you ache to feel someone next to you, you risk the heart break just to feel the heartbeat. Just to feel the form of that warm body lying beside you.


The problem with trusting people, if you’re like me, is that you will let them come back time and time again. Because, in a way, they become your drug of choice. You can tell yourself that they aren’t welcome back each time they leave…until they ask to come back again. When you settle the nerves and swallow the little bit of pride you have left when it comes to them, you tell them your door is open, and you’ll be waiting for them. For a minute you feel beautiful because this is what they want.


The problem with trusting people, if you’re like me, is that you are 100% aware that what you are doing to feel some sort of love is nothing you would wish for your kids, or your friends. You wouldn’t wish this kind of desperate need for touch and interaction on them because you know what it feels like inside when you let yourself be torn down, used, and lied to. You know what it tastes like in the back of your throat when you have to choke down a sob before it comes out because you’re “not going to cry over him again”. But you know that’s a lie, and so you do cry...you just do it as quietly as possible.


The problem with trusting people, if you’re like me, is that you really, honestly, thought this person could love you. You believed his lies, that he wanted to raise your kids with you, and grow old with you. He knew just how to let you get your hopes up and feel like there was a future for you…but then you find out you were a way to pass the time, and you wait for that moment when your heart falls and breaks on the floor again...and you know it’s going to, because it happens every time.

The problem with trusting people, if you're like me, is that you like to see the good in them. Their smile, their laugh, the way they look when they talk about babies..the way they can look at you for just a second longer than they should and you feel your heart skip. You trust the way they look at you and say nothing, but smile. They way they say "You know I love you, right?" with that thick voice that you long to hear in your ear as you lay in bed next to them someday.

The problem with trusting people, if you're like me, is that you know in your heart there are very few that really love you. All the others are just pretty words in the right order, from a set of lips you could kiss all day long...if they'd have you.


The problem with trusting people, if you’re like me, is having to remember that trusting people is not a terrible thing to do…you just have to learn how to trust the right people. And that’s the hard part.

Don't do it....

How do you fight the devils in your head that tell you repeatedly that you just are not enough? The voices that say "he's playing with you", "your just a way to pass the time", " if he'd thought about you, he'd call/ you would know if he missed you...". How do you turn those things off, or even know if you can? Is it just your anxiety talking, or is it intuition? Do you know if these feelings are even real?

You do know what you don't want, and what you wont settle for. you know what you deserve, and how you would treat him. You know that it might be anxiety, but that you also would expect more from someone that says they care for you.

Are you too much for them? Too much attention, too available, too easy? Maybe if you were harder to get, messed with their head, or just went hot and then cold...maybe if you just became someone you are 100% not, they would come around?

Why are you putting up with things that make you question yourself and your worth? You've come to far for that shit.

Bittersweet

I have been wanting to get on here for some time, I just never know how to say what I have floating around in my head. I've learned a few things lately, though.

I've learned that you can spend 3+ years with a person and they will leave right from under you. What I thought would be heartbreaking, actually turned out to be exactly what I needed. Sad, yes. but I didn't lose my self when it was over, like I thought I might. Turns out i never gave as much away as I thought. Thank God. It seems that that time was spent as a distraction so that I wasn't looking for someone I couldn't have. Not until the time was right.

Funny how quickly things can change. One day I was alone and lonely, and trying those dating apps that just made shit so damn weird. Getting upset because I thought we hit it off, and then they never come around again. Or the only other people I can seem to find are nasty ass, crude, unsolicited dick pick kind of guys. Gross. Also, fucking grow-up.

I have also learned that sometimes the thing you need, might just be sitting on the other end of a message. A message that puts a smile on your face, because these have become the messages that you look forward to. Messages that ask you how your day is going, how the kids are, or just commiserating over work. Messages with goofy memes, and sweet ideas. Messages that call you "beautiful" and want to know when your weird blind dates are done, so they know you're safe.
I learned that having something, and someone to look forward to made the days so much easier. The stresses not so overwhelming, and the mornings a little sweeter when there was a 'Good morning, beautiful' text waiting for me. I have learned that something sweet can grow when you aren't expecting it and that in itself is wonderful. Its like a little secret garden that only we know about. A place that's just ours. When you find yourself getting close to someone you weren't expecting, it has this extra innocence. It feels more pure, somehow. Like getting to know each other all over again, because this time its different.

I have also learned that sometimes what makes me smile, is out there making someone else cry. I have learned that I am stronger than I expected and while I still wish I could fix things and take the other persons pain away, I know that I cant. I am slowly learning that it is OK for me to be happy, even when its hard for others. I am learning that joy and guilt can coexist in the same space, and there is nothing wrong with that. Its just what life feels like sometimes. Bitter/sweet.

Bitter/sweet is not easy, but I think that is what it looks like now, when the dynamic changes. How lucky am I to be cared for by two wonderful people at once? I just wish that it wasn't so hard for one of them. Because to know that they both matter to me, and I care for them both so much, makes it so hard on this weird little heart of mine when I have to, simultaneously, give one what its asking for while causing it so much pain. The old me would have done whatever she could to keep the pain away, but that would mean living this time, right now, in a secret. And no one deserves to be a secret.
So the truth comes out, and it hurts. But the truth is also so freeing, and so liberating. I was able to honor myself and the messages that make me smile. I was able to honor the person on the other end of those messages, and also, in a weird way, I was able to honor the person that I hurt. Because I wasn't hiding anything, and I wasn't intentionally keeping him comfortable while I started something in the shadows. So, as it often happens in my life, this too is bitter/sweet. But in the most sincere, loving, and transparent way. My hope is that one day he will see that it was, actually, done with the best of intentions. Because his heart matters too.