Who woulda thought it..?

It’s funny to me how we are so certain that we are getting what we want in one moment, and not so sure about it the next…

It took a girl in a bar to change my relationship for the better. No more arguing, no more distance and none of this intentional hurtfulness…all because of one girl in the right bar on the right night (I guess). Thanks to her, my life with my kid’s dad has gotten so much easier. The divorce papers are nearly signed and ready to go, we are openly talking about other people - dating other people/ being involved with other people…and that’s great because it’s what’s going on with us now.

And while it is great, it also makes my heart a little sad. The friendship that I have with him now is what we should have been able to have the whole marriage, except that we had done too much damage to each other to find this friendship on our own. It took another woman to wake us both up. And what’s really wonderful (and honestly, a little annoying) is that I think her and I could be friends if we ever met each other. She’s getting this version of him that I don’t know if I ever had, and yet it’s making him and I better co - parents and friends. The sad part of all this is that if he and I could have found this kind of relationship years ago, we’d probably never consider leaving each other. How’s that for irony?  In a matter of hours it went from “I’m not moving on because I don’t want to” to “so…I met a girl…”

And while I am happy for him (honestly, I am) I suddenly feel more alone than I did before. I think part of it stems from jealousy because as a full time single mom, I don’t have any time to try and go meet anyone. I don’t find guys at the bar, and no one comes up to me in any fashion outside of the bar…

The other part of it is because I didn’t think that he’d move on so fast and after 11 years, the idea of him being with someone else just makes it hard to breathe. SO, back to what I started with- from one moment to the next life can turn you on your head and leave you there for a while. Now I find myself looking to make sense of everything all because this girl walked into our lives. And I thank her for that. I thank her for everything she has given to my boy’s dad in the short time they’ve known each other which has trickled down to him giving me what I always needed. I thank her for giving this sense of value and purpose and an emotional connection to the man that I have to raise my children with. I thank her for walking to the bar that night and I even thank him for being so stubborn with me just a few hours before meeting her, that he was mad enough at me to stay at that bar. I never thought that when I left him there that night our lives would change. I thought I would wake up the next day and still be fighting an uphill battle and living my next few months as the bad guy that just “didn’t try” or “gave up”. 

When he asked me if I could meet him for lunch 4 days later because he needed to talk to me, my heart started to race thinking that something big had happened. Maybe he lost his job, or maybe he was sick, or maybe he wanted to make the divorce harder just because he could…I never thought I’d be greeted with a hug - a tight, sincere hug that I had been missing for so long. That hug wasn’t trying to make me feel like shit for asking for a divorce, it wasn’t being offered because I asked for it, and most importantly – it wasn’t being given as a way to manipulate me or make me feel guilty. It was the best hug we’d shared in ages.  And then he said “I don’t want to not be friends with you” and I almost cried.

This woman that he barely knew gave him so much that I wasn’t able to for the longest time. By giving him what he needed, she gave me my friend back. Someone that should be my best friend, really. Someone that I want to spend my time with and talk to at the end of the day and I want to hear how his day was, and how she’s doing. It’s a whole new level of maturity that I didn’t know I didn’t have until this last week. But it’s such a gift and that gift is felt amongst the entire family.  I finally feel like we might be alright after all. And I hope she stays around, I really do. I’d like to meet her and take her for coffee and thank her for what she’s done for our family. I think she is what we’ve needed that we couldn’t put our finger on. Our missing link turned out to be a cute girl in a bar on a Friday night. So, again I ask- how’s that for irony?

"Im falling for your eyes, but they dont know me yet"

Someone called me out as a romantic the other day. I thought they were nuts at first, but I’m starting to think that they’re not so far off the mark.

I like the love songs, the chick flicks and the idea of having something to fight for. I like the songs where a guy is singing about how much he thinks about a girl when she’s not around. Or the songs that tell a story of two people that aren’t together but want to be….I guess I’m a sucker for the longing of another person. I think there is a lot that people can relate to in those songs, a lot that brings back those memories of when we were first in love with our person- when we would think about them all the time and then be excited to see them again. I’ve started to notice that those songs are what my lonely looks like. The stories in those lyrics are what I miss.

I miss companionship, and friendship in a partner. I miss intimacy that is more than sex. I want to hold someone’s hand and dance with them in the kitchen or on the patio under the stars. I want to be crazy in love with someone who makes me laugh, and knows that I’m a little ditzy sometimes. I want to go on adventures, and make memories and get one of those hugs that makes me feel like the world is not such a bad place, because in that moment I know that I’m safe and cared for. I want to be able to simply exist with my person when I don’t have the ability to do anything else.

I believe that loving someone should be easy, even when life isn’t. I believe that there should be less struggle and more compassion in a relationship. If we’re with someone that we love, it shouldn’t be the hardest thing we have going on in our lives. They should be our refuge, our safe place that can we can count on to shelter us from the ways of the world when we need it. Keith Urban has a song called “Break On Me” and it makes me cry nearly every time I hear it because I had someone willing to let me break on him, but I never felt like I could. That kind of intimacy wasn’t there…after all the shit we had been thru, I had that part of myself highly guarded because maybe I didn’t feel safe. Or maybe after all the other ways I had felt with him, I didn’t feel like he deserved to be there when I needed someone. I couldn’t let the person that broke me be the one to comfort me when someone else made me feel broken. Talk about mixed signals…

I want to know that I can leave my heart with someone and not worry about it being forgotten. I have felt lower than I knew was possible over the last few years, and all I know is that i don’t want that again.

I just want to love someone, which should be the easy part. <3

This emotional upchuck brought to you by:

Break on me- Keith Urban

Kiss Me- Ed Sheeran

The One- Gary Allan

Say Goodnight- Eli Young Band

Lonely Tonight- Blake Shelton

Die A Happy Man- Thomas Rhett

And God only knows how many others.

"That's all you ever wanted, from me"

I haven't heard this song in a really long time, but I came across it today and it just really seemed to hit home for me in this moment....and then I started crying...

All You Ever Wanted~ Hunter Hayes 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lurPBt1xmcM

You gave me chances and I let you down
You waited for words that I couldn't get out
I have no excuses for the way that I am
I was clueless then, I couldn't understand

All that you wanted, and all that you needed
Was a side of me I never let you see

I wish I could love you and make you believe it
Cuz that's all you ever wanted
That's all you ever wanted, from me

An oooohhh

Could I be selfish, or lost in my pride
Afraid to be forward, or just to scared to try
And Now I'm without you, and it took distance to see
That losing you, means losing everything

All that you wanted, and all that you needed
Was a side of me I never let you see

And I wish I could love you and make you believe it
Cuz that's all you ever wanted
That's all you ever wanted, from me

And is it too late, and are you too far
To turn around and let me be

Let me be

All that you wanted, and all that you needed
I'll show a side of me I never let you see

I wish I could love you and make you believe it
Cuz that's all you ever wanted
Yeah That's all you ever wanted,
And that's all you ever wanted
That's all you ever wanted,

From me... Oh, from me

Maybe you're the asshole...?

I read something this last weekend at the beach that was trying to combat this new trend of saying that all kids are @$$holes. So, in light of this new stupid trend, I thought I would put out there what my motherhood looks like. And I encourage you two either copy mine, or make your own. Lets show people why we do what we do, everyday. Parenthood is the only job we have that really matters.

It’s half a pack of broken crayons in the bottom of your purse…and half eaten crackers that you don’t remember throwing in there.

It’s that pile of papers your keeping that have a bunch of different colored scribbles on it, but those scribbles were made for you in your favorite colors…

Its packing an extra bag when you leave town just so that they can have their bedtime stuffed animals- all 6 of them

It’s having more ‘Avengers” band-aids than plain ones…

It’s learning that sometimes Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle shampoo just DOES work better than Avengers, that’s why

It’s spending weekends buried under piles of little clothes and mismatched socks and not wanting it any other way.

It’s you house looking like the toy section of Goodwill threw up in your hallway, or your living room

It looks like cuddles on the couch when their stuffed up and can’t sleep without leaning against you.

It looks like sleepless nights and feeling helpless when you can’t do anything to make them feel better

It sounds like both of you crying when they look up at you exhausted saying that they have a headache from the fever that is working its way thru their body.

It’s knowing that one likes green dishes and one likes blue dishes

It’s that feeling of knowing that when you see them they are going to yell out your name and run to you with their arms wide open for hugs.

It’s the kisses that must happen before bedtime, or else they can’t get to sleep. And it’s you needing those kisses as much as they need to give them.

It’s every day that you climb into bed knowing that you will get up and do it again tomorrow and the day after and the day after….

Its evening time football games in the front yard

Its catching rain drops on your tongues “just because”

Its macaroni necklaces that you know you’ll keep until every noodle breaks

It’s looking at this incredible little person that you made and feeling more pride in them than you have felt for anything else you’ve ever done.

It’s sounds like their little voices saying “I love you”

Its parenthood. And it’s hard. But it’s also beautiful and its important. My kids are not assholes- they're kids....If childhood bothers you, maybe you're the asshole in this equation.This is my motherhood, and this is why I do it:

One day at a time

It’s a funny thing to try and get used to a new normal when things feel like the old normal. I know that things are going to change, at some point, and that point could really come at any time…but right now we feel so normal together. Things feel like they used to when they were good, and things were fine. Only this time there will be a day with boxes, and packing, and eventually a U-Haul. Following that day there will be space, and emptiness and a whole lot of house that hasn’t been empty- ever. There will be tears and probably some hyperventilating and some moderate drinking of cheap wine. And when that is all over, there will be silence….a whole lot of silence. The kind that only comes from the whole house being asleep and all of the tv’s and computers turned off... a kind of silence I don’t remember experiencing in over 10 years. The loudest silence of them all.

So, these days where we can talk and laugh and work together are all the more important. The unexpected visits to bring me coffee and the co-parenting that is almost effortless are even more appreciated.  The fact that we can still care about each other, and do it in front of other people who know our situation makes me feel like we’re doing it right. We can set a good example, a loving example for people so that they don’t get this idea that every single breakup is nasty and tinted with anger or hate. There is clearly another option. When you love someone, there is always another option. Regardless of how you love that person, the love will come through and find a way to tame the situation, because it’s the person that is important to you, not being right, or being loudest/best/most important etc.   

Our situation really only exist because we love each other. Just in different ways. One of us is in love and one of us isn’t. That doesn’t diminish the kind of love the other has in any way though. The way I love him is just as real and important as the way he loves me, and we are where we are today because of that. I asked him to let me go so he could be loved the way he deserves, and he agreed to let me go- ironically, because he loves me the way I should be loved. It’s kind of a bitch, I know.

I’m still not 100% convinced that it’s not all in my head. I feel like I’m missing this connection, this intimacy, this attraction that I feel I should have, even after 10 years. I don’t know where it went, and I honestly don’t really know what it feels like, just that they aren’t there. It’s damn near impossible to describe when people ask me what the hell I’m talking about. Something is just missing.

I feel like the only way that I am going to know what that something is, is to be at home in my skin, in my home and in my relationships. I don’t want to feel like I need to rely on someone to do something for me, I want to be able to do what I need done on my own. I used to be completely self-sufficient and I was proud of that. I miss that version of myself. Granted, I know there are things I need to ask for help with, but I want to get back to that person that had her own tool set, and hung up her own damn pictures and worked on her own car.

The only way I will know what is gone, is to see not what I need so much, but rather what I want. Being with someone out of a need versus being with someone out of wanting changes the dynamic greatly. When I don’t need anything from anyone, I lose that comfort that comes from being taken care of. When I am with someone because I want to be there, well, then that opens up an entirely different part of my heart.  I don’t want to be with someone out of fear, or dependence, or because I’m “used” to them. I want to be with someone that makes my heart lighter, and my laughter genuine, and someone that makes my pulse race a little bit when we’re alone. To me, that is what love looks like. When I can be a competent and independent person on my own, I feel like I will have a better idea of what it is that’s missing, because that something will be what makes me smile when I am already perfectly content in my skin, my life, my home. I imagine that I will be drawn to it, that I will gravitate towards it when soul finds that thing that it needs. I have faith that somehow I will know it when I am “home” and all of my stars have aligned the way they should. It’ll be interesting to see what that looks like…I look forward to it.

 

 

 

 

This little light of mine....

I read something today that basically said to undo yourself- undo everything that happened to you that dimmed your shine. That got me thinking. How do we really know what it was that dimmed our shine? It’s not like there is one of those little turkey timers that pops out of our belly when that one monumental moment occurs. We don’t get an email from the universe saying “well, now, Sarah it seems that your starting to dim a little bit. You should knock that shit off”.  Sure would be nice if we did though. But the reality is that by the time we realize that our lights have dimmed or gone out, we have baggage. We have baggage because we’ve lived a life up to this point. So, again, without that fancy turkey timer to tell us when we started acquiring darker baggage, how do we know what baggage is something to cherish and which is slowly turning to stone and weighing us down?


Some days I feel like I know the moment I started to dim. I was pregnant with my second, a full time student and mom to a 2 year old. I remember waking up one day and I just laid in bed. I wondered what the hell I was doing, why I was still there, and then I wondered if I could get through just one more day. If I could get through one more day then I could go to bed, wake up tomorrow and do it again for just one more day. That was over four years ago. So I can clearly do things one day at a time, but I long for a feeling that I don’t have to take life one day at a time. I long to be in love with my life, instead of wondering if I will make it that whole week without an attack or meltdown of some kind. 


I don’t know if that morning that I gave myself a horrible pep talk was actually the day I started to dim or not. What I do know is that the girl I remember being years ago is not the girl I am now. The girl I used to be proud of was independent, and self-sufficient, and happy. She laughed a lot and watched romantic comedies. She had the hots for Tim McGraw and a bird named Thor that watched TV with her. She had a place of her own and a respect for herself that she held really dear and important. She was happy on her own, but wanted to love someone someday.


Now, today, the woman I am these days is tired, stressed, and sad. I don’t laugh very much and I haven’t watched a cheesy romantic comedy in years. I gave Thor away because he didn’t like the people in the house (I cried for 3 days). I am responsible for other people now and that means lunches, snacks, laundry, toys, messes and dishes that never end. It means falling asleep with the kids because I’m 4 years beyond being exhausted, or trying to stay up until 10 so that I can have some “grown up time” and a beer. And as for respecting myself like I used to….well that shit went out the window a long time ago. I know now that it didn’t have to, but at the time it felt like the only way to survive.


While I like the notion of ridding ourselves of those things that make us dim, I think we have a lot to learn from them as well. All of these things I’ve mentioned- the girl that I used to be and the girl that I am today- all these things have taught me something, even if they have dimmed my light some. I wouldn’t know that I can handle half the things that I’ve been through in the last decade, I never would have thought that I could look at a child and want to cry because I love something so much. I wouldn’t know what it really feels like to love myself enough to ask for better. I wouldn’t know that it’s ok to absolutely lose my shit and fall apart. I wouldn’t know what really and completely loving another person feels like.


These are things I know now, today. These things have molded me into the person writing this down. The light I had when I was 24 has dimmed, and I think that maybe it was supposed to. Without that light burning out, there was no room to ignite a new flame for the person I was going to become. It hasn’t been easy, and I’m not saying that I don’t miss the 24 year old me, but I am grateful for wisdom I have gained by being these two different versions of myself. I remember the feeling of being 24 and that reminds me of how good I can feel on my own, in my own skin and how easy it can be to breathe when life is settled down. I also appreciate the struggles I’ve been (and made it) through these last 10 years because they have taught me what’s really important, and how to recognize and fight for those things. 


When the light that is guiding my life at this moment dims and burns out, a new one will ignite, yet again, and I will be on another new journey. Every stage of life is a new journey and I am looking forward to that new light. I will leave behind the baggage that serves no purpose. I will still get up and take things one day at a time until I don’t need to anymore. Right now, I need to because there are more hearts on the line than just mine alone. Those hearts matter. The lights and journeys that come with those hearts matter. As my current favorite new musician, Ed Sheeran says “I swear it will get easier. Remember that with every piece of ya”.

Humaning is hard...

The emotional heart is a funny thing. It basically drives our every move, even when it’s not happy with where we are going. When our hearts are big enough to let other people in, we start directing our life for those people. Sometimes it’s because we want to see them happy. Other times it’s because we have hurt them in some way and that pesky heart of ours is saying that we should fix it. My heart right now is saying that I have fought to be happy, and to be honest with myself and what I want. It’s also telling me that I was mean and horrible to someone else because of those desires.

So, when do we know when to start acknowledging the desire of our own hearts over the desire of someone else’s? When do we, as emotionally stupid and dependent creatures, know when to live through the guilt instead of give into it? Because I can tell you from the feeling in my heart at this very moment, that part of me wants to go back and ”fix” everything even while knowing that I would be unhappy and untrue to myself. Part of me doesn’t like being the reason someone else is hurting, and honestly, not being liked by someone is always a hit to the ego.  Thanks for nothing, ego…

I also know at this moment that I wouldn’t last another year if I fixed it for someone else. I wouldn’t be able love myself the way I need to be loved, and I wouldn’t be showing my little people at home what real strength and love really looks like. If nothing else comes out of all of this, I need them to know that I tried- I tried my best, I tried as long as I could and then when it got hard I tried to be the best example I could for them. When they grow up to be decent, loving human beings then I will be able to say that everything I did was worth it. At least they will know that they are loved.

This is what I have to keep in mind when the other option is to apologize, give in, and give up something that I feel very strongly belongs to me. I spent a long time doing those things, and years later I am still doing it, having some of the same conversations I’ve had time and time again. This time though, I’m not weak, I’m not dependent and I’m not scared. I just feel guilty….and that is almost worse. Guilt is like the final pound of pressure that is just waiting to pierce your heart and make you wish you could take it all back. Guilt is my Achilles Heel.  It makes it hard to breathe, to laugh, to smile and to do whatever I need to do to love myself, and that’s the real bitch of it all.

So, one day at a time I will breathe in and out, and I will put one foot in front of the other. I will love my little people and myself, and in the only way I know how, I will love that person that is trying to pierce my heart because I know why they’re doing it. I will respect that at this time, this is part of their journey just like guilt is part of mine. I will respect that I don’t have the right to change their pain or their heart any more than they have the right to tell me I shouldn’t feel that guilt. We are each the reason the other one is hurting, and for right now this is our reality.

When the hurting stops and the guilt (kisses my ass and) goes away we will be okay. We will be able to laugh again, to love again, and we will be better versions of ourselves. That’s my plan anyway. You can’t live a life without learning from it but that doesn’t mean that all of our lessons are comfortable. The most important lessons are often the hardest. How do you think they make an impression?