Wonder (Why), Woman?

How do you know when you’ve lost part of yourself? 

I’m sitting here today thinking that I am so lonely and so near desperate for love, that I will let myself be used and yo-yo’d because it feels better than being alone. I know this to be 100% bullshit, but I just keep finding myself in these places, with these people, that don’t really love me, or honor all the work I’ve done to get where I am today. I feel like I have this confidence and this ability to stand up for myself and what I hold dear…until I get lonely. 

I let the pretty words or the compliments drown out the doubt and blow away the red flags. The flirting that tints my glasses with more and more rose color with each ‘beautiful’, ‘sexy’, ‘gorgeous’ that I can hardly see through them anymore. I am so lonely that I will berate myself at home alone, instead of reminding myself that what I’m doing isn’t wrong, it just isn’t kind to me. 

I’m sitting here today wondering why I offered to get close to someone when they want to leave within a year. Can I really take that? I don’t know. I know I have lost bigger pieces of my life, and I am still here. I know that caring for someone who wants to leave is worth it, because a year that changes my life will always be worth the heartache afterwards. I don’t want to avoid heartache- I just want it to be worth it.  I think this could be worth it…

I know reading this makes it sound like I’m just lonely again and wanting him to fix it. But the truth is, I have more respect for myself with him. I feel how strong I am and I know that with him I can stand up for myself. He hasn’t let me do anything else, really. 

If he decides it isn’t worth it that would hurt because we’re good together. We laugh, we talk, we relate, we understand each other. He’s kind, and gentle and artistic and he has a beautiful ability to make me feel at home in my skin. We see things and we think of each other. He’s shy and respectful, a gentleman. This kind of intimacy is what I long for. It’s so important to be able to come back to something when things get hard. Anyone can sleep together, but not many start with these things first. Put in the work to become friends before lovers, or take things slow because it really is that important. The kind of intimacy that makes holding hands send chills up your arm, and a smile sneak to your lips. Where you find a reason to touch the other person, just for a second. To watch them smile and wonder what their kiss feels like…these all make those moments so much sweeter when they happen. 

 

These are all the reasons I want him to stay…

But what I know of his heart so far is that he has been hurt, terribly, by the people that should have loved him. He’s gotten close before. And he’s been hurt before. Its not a fault or a flaw to be a human being with your guard up. Its not a bad thing to watch out for yourself because you’re scared or cautious. Its smart. The hard part is that I don’t know if I’m worth taking a chance or not. That’s for him to feel out. All I can do is say that I’m in, if he is. The rest is out of my hands….and I fucking hate that!